Sooo........ now according to my knowledge and wisdom and trust in ones self haha do not judge me...... but instead give friendly criticism.... My mind is a place of freedom and wonder. That being said.......... I am in love with this girl....
I am in love with a girl who I think that she does not like me back.... but there has been a lot of odd coincidences that may indicate that she has some feelings for me... but lol... all I need is a hint... like a solid hint in order to fully commit.. untill then it is just a fictionally dream I want to have haha.... but that would be the left brained side of looking at any relationship that wasn't all ready physical?
but anyways... she hardly text me but i think she is the kind of person who wants to really get to know a person before she even makes an attempt to solidify such an thing. I have known her for 3 years but never really talked to her often like I do now. By often I mean lol a couple times a month as she was usually over seas doing mission work.... But recently after she invited me to a couple events she started to text me more.. lol do you know how excited I would be to just receive 1 text let alone 2 text after an reply!?
lol its sad I know but these feelings are what I have never really explored before... it use to be sadness... then anger... and now I am learning how to feel with my heart... to be passionate... to care about another... instead of looking at them as a sexual object........ and trust me... lol my aura gets really red when I am in those moods but I have been learning to shift it... and when I think of her... easily do I feel the burning sensation in my heart.... and it is soo weird..... as a sexual creature as me.. i think about holding her hand and looking her deep in the eyes and just enjoying the moment.... and the kisss is like fire to me... just from a thought.... wheres someone else when I think about them I feel it right in the shorts... lol...
anyways you get it..... but right now I am still on that line of looking for a sexual partner.... although I am learning how to use my sexual energy for transmutation and manifestation rather than just an outlet... and I have been reading the law of one book..... So I have actually stopped masturbating in realizing that such an addiction rid me of my emotions for something I really want.... love...passion....happiness.... lol...
So upon thinking of this I realize that if I wasted my time on bootycalls and hookups that I might as well be masturbating because essentially they are both empty vessels leading to nowhere.
Which brings me to this part... I ran into a girl on the buss and she was very enthusiastic and due to the nature of the first inquiry where I was reading the law of one and she asked me about it... she knows a lot about my spiritually that not a lot of people know.... (if you ask me the right question I will tell you is my motto) lol unless its incriminating haha.... im not on that blue ray level yet haha. (Law of one joke) but anyways she is very enthusiastic and fun to talk to but I am not really attracted to her... but im not quite sure about her being attracted to me either... lol who knows but she kinda brought to my attention that maybe I ought to work on my problems lol with women.... I realize that I have all these internal philosophy that inhibit my ability to actually be open and vulnerable to a significant other... so I want to learn how to express these natures so that I can better love the one I want to love.. and who knows maybe that will be the one relationship that goes the distance?!
Anyways the very first night I went out with this new girl to a custom contest at a bar... I had sent my love a text just before I left the house... and to my amazement she sent one back!? lol... I was like what! so I took the time to reply... and I waited for a bit.... and my new friend texted me that the uber would be there soon and I went outside to wait... as I was waiting my lover sent me a text at the same time as the other girl..... I was sooo confused..... what am I to do? Why is this happening..... what does it even mean.... Am I cheating on her??? Am I creating a disconnect in the bond that we may have on some level? I dont know lol... In reality it is truly silly to have such internal conflict but reality I have found is not of just black and white paint... but has millions of colors... smells... textures... sensations.... sounds.... dimensions.... realities... etc.
(This is my meditation topic tonight.... please send me prayers to understand such information... I want my heart to glow brighter!)
What do you guys think?