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Old 24-04-2011, 02:19 PM
Faith1111
Posts: n/a
 
I have considered that he may not be my tf. But, I just can't let it go. I'm not sure it's a co dependency thing really. I don't need to be with him all the time. We just need to be together as in we are okay with things. I can go weeks without seeing him or months as long as I know our bond is still there. It only hurts like this when he tries or I try to break away completely. It's this pulling inside my chest. It feels like he is literally trying to pull my heart out of my chest or pull me to him. I don't know. It's a real pain though that doesn't go away. I don't feel it when I'm with him and I don't feel it things are okay with us. It's only when we are like this, out of balance.

I still feel it even when I'm busy or having fun. Sometimes it's stronger than ever. I feel like he needs me even though he is pushing me away? I'm not the kind of person to chase someone though. This is very new for me.

If I'm supposed to let him go, why do I feel like this? Everytime I feel comfortable with the decision to let him go. I get all these signs that I'm not supposed to and everything just feels out of balance. The pulling feeling just gets worse.

Honestly, I don't like this. I don't want to be connected to him anymore. I even feel his anger and he has a lot of anger. It's something we've talked about a lot. I'm not used to feeling anger. I'm not like that. It's one of the things that I help him with. I calm him down, make him feel peace. But, lately I cannot tell what feelings are mine and what are his. I am angry, sad, anxious a lot of the time. With sporadic moments of blissful happiness. It's too much. My brain cannot take it.

This awakening for me has been both a blessing and a nightmare. Since I woke up, everything is different. I almost feel like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show. I look at the sky and it just looks so different. It's hard to explain. It's like I see everything now. I feel like someone is trying to reach me too. Mostly through music and numbers. Some songs will jump out at me. It's like they are playing just for me no matter where I am. I've been having premonitions too. I have always been able to feel other people's emotions, but now I can more than ever. I just want to hide away in my room in the dark and put on white noise. I cannot bear it. I don't mean to complain, but I have no idea why God would believe that I am ready for this. I do not feel ready.
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