Sounds almost like PTSD.
What I mean by that is you have fought many battles in your own personal war & you have won. That's a
HUGE achievement so don't under appreciate that fact.
Overcoming an addiction & a bad relationship
WOW!.
When a warrior comes home from war he is a different person, the things he has seen & done are beyond normal & I don't see you as any different.
The warrior will jump at loud noises, perhaps feel uncomfortable in crowds etc etc as they have learned to be
battle ready at a moments notice - your essentially the same.
You have learned not to let your guard down, to be ready to jump into defence mode.
Others will say different but I would call this your armour (hence me being a knight) - your armour is for protection & that is totally justified.
Your in full battle gear everyday but now it is perhaps unnecessary - you can't unlearn the things you have done, you may one day require them.
You are essentially a master now, a captain of the guard - you have your medals i.e everything good that has come to you since, but I'd imagine you are one or both of these things:
1# always on alert
2#bored
Number 1 is potentially about you realising that you have the skill set to look after yourself now but it can't be used for every problem. You wouldn't wear battle gear to bake or go swimming & there is no reason why metaphorically speaking you need to be as on alert & suspicious in all situations.
Number 2 is that
you have dedicated ALOT of time to winning your war - perhaps so much time & effort was put into it that now it's won your lost as to what to do now?
You slayed the dragon & lived happily ever after ... nobody really thinks about that part though - after!
Perhaps focus this energy on something like learning to drive or learning to speak a new language with a holiday at the end of it as a reward.
Something people find quite cheesy but it is worthwhile is to pass on what you have learned.
Perhaps volunteer somewhere where people need your help - become a Samaritan or get involved with the schools.
A great one is helping out at an animal shelter!
Your a hero - but a scarred one - keep that positive energy going not by "thinking happy thoughts" or "meditating" but by actual tangible things happening as a result of you the hero out there in the world.
Fight a new battle, conquer more monsters because believe it or not your one of the few people who actually has & can.
