[Ronin]

My mother died in 2008. I was just 20 years old.
It took me years to allow myself to properly mourn her.

She came to me in dreams, one of which I saw her crossing over to the other side in a dream, kind of like a reverse funeral, we were all [i don't even know who the people were] seated around her open coffin [she was cremated irl] in a marble arena when she "woke up" and got out of her coffin. Everyone rejoiced and welcomed her.
Another one was when I was going through a hard time in life, I was crying in my dream (in a public bathroom non the less) when she came out of one of the stalls and gently grabbed my face and smiled. It felt very comforting and I think that's about the time I stayed moving forward.

But now, most of the time I feel like she never even existed. I feel guilty about it.
My mother was a source of some of the greatest comfort AND greatest pain in my life.
Years out I can see the lessons I've learned from the relationship, but it's still like she almost was never here, like more of an imaginary friend.

Does anyone else get this?