Difficult issues to deal with. I'm busy with the same thing, also goes way back to childhood (4 yrs old).
I've also been working on this for almost 2 decades, also not done with it. But I do notice I get to deeper layers.
And kind of logical that it cannot be resolved in one go. It took years to develop, it will also take time to deactivate it. Plus, something that Diana Cooper said yesterday in a meditation on releasing karma: it can happen that it takes several sessions because it would be too much for your soul to release it in one go.
And that rang true to me. I know this rejection and abandonment theme is not just from this life, but from many past lives as well.
In that sense I think maybe we should cut ourselves a whole lot of slack here, and realize we are doing tremendous healing work. Not on ourselves in this life and physical body, but we are transforming pain from lord knows how many lives, all in this life! Now that's quite the task, and all things considered I think I'm doing quite well with it all.
Maybe if you can see it that way, in a much broader perspective, you can feel some relief too? It's not like you're failing at clearing it. It's just that you are clearing a helluvalot this life. So it's okay if this takes years, decades maybe. Just know, feel, and realise you ARE getting further with the entire process.
If you look back, can't you tell the difference? Are you still as scared and insecure as you were let's say 15 years ago?
For me the answer is "no"! Yes, I still can get very insecure and afraid. But when I do it is about far more important matters than before. Years ago I got triggered as badly by more insignificant stuff. Many of these things don't trigger me anymore, or not quite so badly.
If you look at it in that sense, I'm quite sure you too will see that you
have made tremendous progress.
Example for me, I used to hate group things. Scared because I've been bullied for years on end. Now I can still get nervous, but I don't avoid group things anymore. And sometimes I'm not even nervous at all.
Addressing groups of people used to scare the living daylights out of me. Yet, since 2009 I've been on stage for an annual event. Singing, presenting it, yes, presenting it! I could never have dreamed of having the guts for that some 12 years ago. Not at all!
And tell you what: I'm bl**dy good at it too, haha. It was such a revelation and it has freed me up tremendously.
I still am nervous before going on stage, I still ask myself why I put myself through all that stress and fear. But I do it anyway, and I thoroughly enjoy it too!
Look at the things you have made progress with. I'm sure you will find them. Then revel in the glorious feeling of having achieved it.
As for right now, lots of shadow work again. I do notice I am far more aware of what exactly is lurking in the shadows. That is new. Again progress. Okay, I have yet to deal with it, but that'll come.
Big hug for you
