[shivatar]

I should add that I wanted to hate her for the rest of my life, I wanted to crush her soul and spirit and bring her into the hell I was going through. It's through the grace of God and against my own inner thoughts that I managed to say nothing at all. If I had done what I wanted then i would live with myself knowing I crushed the one who gave me life, an insignificant thought at the time, but in the span of 80 years knowing "I hurt my mother as bad as anybody can hurt another human being" , even if only know sub-consciously, is enough to bring down the mightiest into a shallow pit of despair. Instead I live, without identifying with, knowing I have done the strongest and best thing I could have done in the situation. I set my own desires aside and said what do we need, not just what do I want.

The best a person can do is transforming what was done to them into something powerful and beautiful. Maybe that pain becomes a garden, or a painting, or a reason we listen to friends who are hurting. Whatever we make from our pain in a good way will please God, even if we turn our pain into nothing but a memory of how we once felt. God doesn't like when we do unto other what has been done into us in pain, he wants us to take the pain of others into our self and transform it with love and forgiveness, then give love and forgiveness (which is understanding as well as many more things) back to the earth as a whole. Sometimes its just one person we help, but when we help one we help all they will encounter, same with when we hurt them.

It was the rest of my family encouraging me to at least call her. She wouldn't call me and still has only called me once in 8 years. I was weak in knowing what I wanted back then so I gave into them against my inner judgement.

it's only through the grace of God that I was young and dumb enough to listen to them instead of what I wanted. If I had only done what I wanted and not listened to the people advising me then I probably wouldn't have a relationship with my mother to this day or them either. I hated them all but I was unwilling to forsake them as I felt they had forsaken me, when I considered them my enemies to healing and growth I gave them love and forgiveness instead of hate, that really helped us all in staying a "happy" family. Praise God for the strength within us that we never knew we had.

Our relationship now isn't what I'd want it to be but it works, we still communicate and are there to support each other when we need it. And believe me parents do need the support of their adult children. My mother may have 20 years of age on me but she doesn't have the wisdom I do, she does not have the same kind of internal strength I do; we complement each other, despite all our many differences.