Also, what I am hearing from your post.. what you are saying how you feel her closeness then not/ & you allow yourself to dream & have visions & in regards then you block it. That to me sounds like the inbalancing.. is there a chance that you are projecting?

My mother used to say that ex h tf seemed very manic to her. I know he was dx'd borderline.

IF YOU want to heal/ it's important to see things realistically. IF you are tf's & if there is a spiritual connection I think that it's more important to work on your healing & allow your own life to balance out..otherwise you will be in the highs & lows of this, ongoing. Some just keep running from themselves through their entire life. IF she is your other half then you are going to have opposite strengths & weaknesses.. but you will both have them.