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Old 05-10-2017, 01:05 PM
lilith lilith is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Maybe I went mad, what do you think?

First of all, thanks to everyone who'll read this. This is a waste of time and pretty negative and confusing stuff, just so you know, you'll better of without it. I've been thinking about writing this here for a few months...

I'm lost as if I don't exist, as I know I don't and you don't too. To try to sum it up. I'm fed up with past and psychological mumble jumbo but I've had not so nice childhood, but as bad it was it was good too. Bad made it good. Pain was the best fun part.
I've been pretty much alone most of my life and I couldn't stand people and always needed to do things my way and I'm not into compromises. Of course, I got depressed and suicidal and went self medicating with sex, drugs and alcohol to feel alive somewhat.

Nevermind what happened in my life, all bad things, I find it all hysterically funny and stupid. My reactions were beyond low. I went through a few heartbreaks just to realize love doesn't exist and I can't love anyone but I can chase cheep thrills, lust and feeling high which last for a few weeks that gets me nicely filled with energy and I'm back to being calm and balanced, not needing people or anything.

I've learned some energy work that I doubt it's real but it serves it purpose. It seems I can manipulate my reality into anything I need. I even play with people just because, why not, but I don't hurt anyone.
I've read pretty much all topics on this forums and I'm fed up with it all (sorry, I'm just being totally honest). I don't get it why do you bother? I haven't written or read anything here for months and I'm not planing to.

Everything is so draining to me. Writing this takes away so much energy that I just want to stop. I can't find energy to help anyone. I don't even want to anymore, who cares. I used to believe in a lie I found my life purpose in helping people, but now...I just want to die, lol. Not die because I suffer. My life is amazing, I have it all, and I'm grateful. I'm just so incredibly bored and restless! This endless search for something is pointless and tiring so I just want to exist, but how? It's like I'm done. This is useless and boring. Just show me something new, I want to get out of here. I want my limits to be pushed. I just want out. This all here is so over, dead.

I killed myself working to make sure my existence is safe, meaning that I'm privileged to do absolutely nothing. I feel good about it. But so what? I can spend my time doing anything I want and what makes me happy but I don't want it. Like, why do I eat or exercise? Useless! I want to stop with the level of existence I'm on, it's not for me. How do you stand it? I'm not into going to woods to mediate till I die. I'm just fed up. I feel like I need to stop existing in this dream to start feeling real.

That's me on the inside. Narcissist vampire, a fake, right? Me on the outside, either I'm like an angel being good to everyone, a fairy, having fun and amazing friends and people who think they love me. Or, I'm switched of and I don't want to be around anyone and I lock myself into my world.

I know how awful this sounds and what else do I deserve but to die broke and of some cancer in pain all alone, right? If I ever get to that point, I'll end my life on my own as I don't want to do idiotic things just to keep myself alive, right?
Anyway, I feel suffocated I don't know why and how should I feel or what to do to feel like existence is satisfying?
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