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One more thing - before I take an internet hiatus for a while (due to a total lack of logical communication online) and it's something to ponder.
I feel there must be a reason why two individuals such as we, who have so much in common are thrown together on this forum.
I also have a history of childhood trauma, I have random pain, no emotion whatsoever, am an 'empty shell', used to smoke a lot of weed (but don't anymore), know all the Tantras, have been visited by Shiva/Rudra, I am 'lazy', I'm a 'quitter'...I could go on and on about our similarities. Also, we've seen how, somehow, our individual moods and states of being tends to influence and affect each other....I am at a total loss to explain this.
I think that we are somehow meant to help each other out here...and the universe has done this for a reason!
What else do I think? what I think is that we both know what it is we need to do to help/heal/cure ourselves but we are not doing it because it is 'too hard' but in doing so, we become totally used to the way things are...have always been. At first, we are comfortable with it, used to it, but after some time, it confines us...we are suffocated by it...but unable to break free and break out of it, so we totally resign ourselves to it, and total numbness and a total loss of all emotion, pleasure, desire and attachment results which we then mistake for 'spiritual progress'.
It is hard to break free, to escape that box of conditioning we have placed ourselves in because it has served us up to a point, but we urge to go beyond that point, but the bulls*** that we keep telling ourselves stops us...."It is too hard"..."I am too tired"..."I don't feel like it"...."I'll do it later"...."I don't care".
While ever we remain a slave to this 'demon' that seeks to sabotage our efforts at getting better...at moving on...at doing anything, we'll forever remain exactly where we are...so we'll read books, make plans, try to fool ourselves into thinking we are doing something due to all our 'good intentions' alone...until we get reminded about that whole 'no pain, no gain' thing...and that's not only on the physical level.
God is the biggest 'personal trainer' out there...and you may surrender your heart and soul to Him, only for Him to go; "drop and give me 50 push-ups...stat!" and you say "awww...do I gots to?" and God just gives a divine sigh...Shiva isn't called "Yogeshwara" (God of Yoga) for nothing and love/surrender to God is not enough, because it is really true that "God only helps those who help themselves!" and if you are a quitter, then God will quit on you as well...sad but true.
God will give you those experiences, show you the bliss, let you taste the carrot and then dangle it in front of your nose and you will have to work at it from then on and work really hard to get it back again...it was so easy the first time, but then it keeps getting harder...and harder...and the 'men from the boys' all become sorted out...the 'quitters from the persevere-ers' become sorted out and that which once aroused emotions within us, fail to do so anymore.
As unfortunate as it is, we can't afford the 'luxury' of staying in bed until 9am, eating whatever we like, vegging out in front of the TV, not doing any 'spiritual work' on ourselves because it is 'too hard' (only because we've become so used to our 'comfort zone', it's going to take an atomic bomb under our bum to move us)...but unless we somehow break through...just by taking one baby step that we can keep up every day, then that is a start...but what happens? we miss a day and punish ourselves with guilt over that for a whole week.
It took years for the trauma to happen and manifest and unfortunately, it's going to take that long to get over it in proportion...but unless a start is made and a progression is made that doesn't involve 'setting goals' and 'planning' without carrying any of them through, nothing will get done, nothing will change and we'll be in that place where nothing exists, but not in any 'blissful' way whatsoever, even if we once felt it.
Om Namah Shivaya
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