[ragdoll]

People from my past are coming out of the woodwork. First was a now ex-friend who I really admired as a teen who used and abused me, but I was too naive to understand. I had not talked to him in years, and he kept calling me friend even though he didn't talk to me or invite my anywhere or anything. I confronted him about it and he said he'd try better. We started hanging out but it was just things he wanted to do. I was annoyed but on the third meeting he hit me in public. I told him to not touch me and to get away from me. I walked away and he followed me to my car. I haven't talked to him since and have removed all methods of contact with him. I realized now that I admired someone because of what I wanted him to be, and he wasn't. It was my expectation and I was willing to ignore my boundaries to have him near.

Then, a husband of an ex-friend commented on a picture of mine on FB. He said, "Happier times" in regards to the picture. I don't know what his context was but I considered it for me. Those were "happier" times, as in I was ignorant of this now ex-friend's abuse and use of me. She liked to gossip about me and cause problems, and I realized I was never important to her. Just an option. But I treated her as if she were important. When she called I picked up. When she asked me somewhere I went. When her husband waved a gun at her and threatened to kill her and himself, I was supportive (I also told her to leave him and she didn't). I found out she had gossiped with another now ex-friend of mine and helped to get me fired from a job. I cut them out of my life right then and there. She lied to my face and I was not going to let it happen again. I was "happy" in that I looked past all the things that really were red flags. Behaviors I didn't accept in myself I had accepted in someone else. I wanted her to think I was important and would do anything for that.

Then yesterday, a friend from college found me on FB. I haven't talked to her in probably 8 years. I have no desire to be her friend. It has nothing to do with anything she did to me. She just represents me trying to be someone else. I realized I was friends with her because I wanted to be her. She has pretty red hair and blue eyes, had a boyfriend, was talented, and had tons of friends. I thought my ethnicity was ugly, and everything I had and was, was the opposite of her. I dyed my hair red and stayed out of the sun to be as pale as possible. I went to her parties and acted wildly like she did at parties. I got drunk a lot because she got drunk a lot. Since then, I've stopped trying to do that. I've understood my internalized racism and am more accepting of who I am and my history, and my family's history. I am trying to recover much about my my family's history but my grandparents and parents were pretty mum about it with their own internalized racism. My sisters who looked whiter were treated better in our family. I am introverted and drinking makes me feel very sick, and I actually don't like partying or acting wild. I've moved off in a different direction and working on my own path. I realized yesterday that I have no desire to be her or be anything like her, and nothing about her or even being friends with her appeals to me in any way.

The thing is, there's guilt about turning away these people. And it's not guilt I actively feel but seems inherited or automatic. I KNOW that if I don't want to be friends with people I don't need to and I don't need to feel guilty or lead them on out of pity like how my ex-friends did. I don't feel the need to explain myself or go out of my way to be what they want. I don't fit in those molds anymore and I actually never did.

I said that I forgave them and asked their spirit for forgiveness, and said I no longer needed them and hoped they no longer needed me, and recognized my boundaries and true feelings, and plan to honor them.

Just thought I'd share.