No one can really tell you how to move on... the pain will always be there but it does fade. What I'd suggest is getting some support to help you face the panic feelings (a form of grief) so you can start to heal. There's the obvious systems of bereavement counselling and specialist groups who understand the loss of a child, but there are also gentle methods such as Reiki healing, where an experienced practitioner will help you release the blocks holding you back. If you can, send a wee thought to your son to help you heal and I'm sure he will do whatever he can from his side.