[Shivani Devi]

Originally Posted by dryad

Well I agree that dark isn't always evil.... but if you want out of the dark the first thing you gotta do is let go of any dark shiva aspects your still attached to. Find him again in the light.

*taken from a post I just made in the Hindu forums:

Ah well, back to talking about Shiva...and all I am becoming aware of now is to get this Shiva love to exist more in my life and not only when I turn my mind to it...or meditate...or focus on/feel Shiva, I need to turn my mind to it...meditate on and focus/feel Shiva more than I do.

At the moment, I meditate/pray for half an hour in the morning and half an hour in the evening....and wonder why I only go into Shiva bliss for half an hour in the morning and half an hour in the evening and for the rest of the day, I come back down to earth and I am grumpy, moody, irritable, lonely, bored, negative and I start acting out.

People say to me, how can you be like you are if you love Shiva so much? Can't you carry that Shiva love into everyday awareness? to do that, I must make it a part of my everyday awareness...

It seems like I have separated my 'spiritual life' from my 'physical life' and now the two are at loggerheads. I would like to know how to incorporate my love for Shiva into everyday existence and not just when I am peaceful, relaxed and in the mood to just let myself feel it.

So, this has been my problem all along...I need a constant reminder of this and I have tried wearing rudraksha, an 'om ring'....but I need to be reminded I am wearing all that too, to be reminded of Shiva love.

I guess I just need to do even more sadhana than I am doing...one hour a day isn't enough to be able to remember and exist in that state for the other 23 hours...when I am not sleeping or even in my sleep...I'd love to actually dream about Shiva, but funnily enough, I never have.

It's a process that needs to become 'automatic' and not manual...I need to drive the automatic version of the Shiva bliss-mobile.

...and ignoring Shiva's 'Dark Aspects' isn't going to help me....if anything it will only hinder me, as I worship and love Shiva holistically....both light and dark aspects...both Maha Deva (Great Angel) and Bhuteshwara (Demon Lord)...I couldn't love or worship Shiva any other way because my love is unconditional.

No, I just have to increase the amount of time I spend in fond remembrance of the Lord in any aspect and not only love Shiva, but be true to that love within myself...and although I love Shiva, trust is another issue entirely because sometimes I go to sleep at night wondering if I am going to wake up the next day when my breathing slows right down to about 2-3 breaths/minute and I feel like I am falling backwards into oblivion.

Another problem being that I have raised my energies (kundalini) improperly...it was an orchestrated and arranged 'accident' and it occurred as I was studying the floor-plan of the Borobudur temple in Java a few months ago...then all my lives came flashing before me, all in the space of about 5 minutes...

So, this is what is going on with me and why I can never seem to find 'spiritual closure' with this - because the past keeps on influencing the present...

Aum Namah Shivaya