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This thread made my heart beat fast and my eyes almost water. I don't know what I am, the words "shaman" and "healer" feel right sometimes, but I'm afraid to apply them to myself. My uncle calls me a "psychic", my mate, mother-in-law, and 5 year old nephew call me a "witch". I just know that I ain't normal.
Warning: I apologize in advance if I just go on a long monologue. Gotta vent a couple things.
My family has a history of addiction, abuse, depression, and witchcraft dating back to the 1800s. My own mom, bless her soul, is just narcissistic and verbally abusive. And she does hit occasionally. I've always been the odd one out, the one who read textbooks, played in the woods, talked to animals, had no friends....Except the animals and trees ARE my friends.
I always loved the wild woods as a kid. I played with dogs, frogs, cats, worms, ladybugs, slugs, snakes, mice, etc more than any human friend. Always had a hard time connecting to my own species.
Research and reading are also lifelong hobbies. I like to know everything about everything. As a little kid, it was ancient history and the natural sciences. Anatomy, biology, ecology, and geology. My interest in history led me to anthropology and the occult in middle school.
At that point, 9-13 years of age, I had no interest in shamanism. Mostly just the ancient written religions of Egypt and Sumeria. But my knowledge of anatomy and biology led me to study medicine in middle school, and my parents always did encourage me to become a doctor. But I quckly grew disdainful of modern medical practices; our bodies evolved to live a certain way within our ecosystem, and we shouldn't ingest chemicals that don't occur naturally on Earth. So I've eschewed all manmade pharmaceuticals since the age of 11.
I actually grew pretty disdainful of modern society in general when I was that age. Didn't grow out of it, isn't a phase. I just realized at a young age that humans are murdering ecosystems, poisoning their bodies, and falling for the dumbest schemes to screw them out of money. We're too crowded. I've always had an urge to live sustainably, in a guarded community of close loved ones, healing them and the other little creatures. It sounds kinda silly.
But I never really took natural healing seriously until a few years ago. I mean I believe it works; after studying anatomy, botany, and ecology, I know animals return naturally to balance when in a balanced habitat. I just hadn't considered making healing a habit.
Through middle school and high school, I avoided illness and injury by chance. I can't say I ever physically suffered much, but I suffered alone. My worst injuries weren't until after graduation. No, my teen years were spent in my head. I struggled through deep loneliness, rage toward my fellow humans, fear and anguish for my loved ones in such a poisonous plastic world....But I'm starting to climb out of that hole.
A few years ago, I took a renewed interest in herbalism. I've also studied bonesetting, wound closure, and foreign body removal, though I hate to ever test those skills. There's just this strong urge to learn the art of physical, mental, and spiritual healing. No clue why.
Late last year, I also had a renewed interest in history, anthropology, and theology. The truths and mysteries of the oldest literate cultures not deep enough anymore, I delved into what little we know of prehistory. There I found meaning, understanding, the sustainable lifestyle I've been seeking. Only the tribal lifestyle has survived for 500,000 years.
I guess I'm what you'd call a "primitivist", "rewilder", "deep ecologist". And in researching prehistoric spirituality, I finally came across shamanism and the shamanistic crisis. The culmination of my eco-radical beliefs and call to healing. But I'm so afraid to apply these labels to myself, afraid people might think I'm crazy. They already do.
I've always had "visions", seen "spirits", cared for other creatures, attracted fires....But are these experiences real? Couldn't it just be schizoid personality disorder? With my strange primitive ways, love for nature, distaste for large societies, and talk of spirits, I'm sure many could find something wrong with me....Sometimes I just wanna be normal.
But my new "diagnosis" of initiatory sickness gives me hope. When I labelled myself bipolar, autistic, paranoid, etc, I felt broken. There was something inherently wrong about me that needed fixed. But now I've accepted my call to healing, my beliefs as valid, my struggles as challenges to make me stronger. It gives me the strength and serenity to face my demons. Maybe I'm not meant to be a healer, or anything important at all, but believing that helps me do good by my life. I only hurt others when I'm hurting inside.
Am I a shaman? I guess it depends on what you mean by that term. Like I said, some may call me a witch, psychic, or lunatic. I think a shaman would have to be a better person than I am.
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