Hello good day.
For starters.. I do not feel right about certain subject matters I am posting about, but have been struggling with these thoughts and feelings for as long as well to be honest I am struggling with them a bit. Let's just say that.
This is the death and afterlife forum so I thought as these things do pertain to death and dying I figured here would be as good as any to post this.
I do not view death as others do. I view it in a different way. I suppose I have trouble with it not that in I think of it for any lengthy periods, but I indeed do think about it as anyone else does.
My problem is that I react to it differently than others. Let me get to the heart of it, most of you have experienced losing someone, as I as well as others have. The majority if not all of you have attended funerals or have shed tears due to the passing of a loved one right? You or the majority as I have never met or spoken to anyone else like myself, have cried at funerals and are capable at crying at funerals correct?
Well. I am not. I'm just not. I don't know why. I mean I don't laugh out loud during funerals- that would be very disrespectful in a way, but I could imagine someone thinking of a good funny time or moment with one passed and wanting to laugh but not. Out of respect.
I feel awkward cold and cruel just standing there all solemn whilst everyone else amongst falls apart. It isn't like I do it on purpose. Also I really don't consider myself cold or cruel or anything of such sort. I am very kind very forgiving and try to be as understanding and respectful of others as possible. I am capable of feeling sadness and grief, but I don't cry...
I have experienced 4 major deaths in my life and 3 funerals. My friend was first. Of all my friends I've lost but one so in a sense I am lucky.. in a way. He passed while young, while I was 12 and he 14 from a drug overdose.. I didn't do drugs especially at that age but the truth of the matter is he did and he suffered the consequences of it. I never really cried about it for myself. I missed him dearly. I remember missing him, and I do remember him or some things about him but not much. My parents were very concerned about me in that they didn't think I grasped what had happened, and really I didn't. I was often called naive when I was young by my father. I didn't grasp he was gone. I only cried about it when I had witnessed his father crying about it when I asked him mistakenly of no ill intent where my friend was after the fact of his passing. After being told already time and time again that he was gone and he had died.
Next was my grandfather and grandmother. I didn't get along very well with my grandfather. Not to say I was glad when he passed, because I wasn't I was upset as anyone else, but I didn't cry at his funeral. He didn't like me much. My grandmother was after on a different side of the family. I got along fairly well with her. She actually told me she didn't want me to cry at her funeral and she wanted me to go on with my life, not to worry about her, and she told me she wanted me to be happy. And, I assured her I wouldn't cry, because with my grandfather and my experience with that by then I knew I wouldn't be able to and that I would stand there solemn and unaffected or as it would appear so.
Last was my cousin whom died young at 32 or 33 from an immune disease? Or something along that I can't think of the words, but basically a-plastic...? Anemia. It is basically an immune system failure or disease of some type where one's immune system is wiped out. And of course as usual, my prsence at the funeral was solemn, and I am certain despised as this was and is my cousin and my aunt fell apart and told my mother she had wished it had been me instead. Of course I suppose not being able to cry didn't help.
Now I would like to make this clear as to be quite honest, I don't wish to be told here that there are things I haven't dealt with or that I am holding emotions back as I most certainly am not. The proof? I know who I am and I know how I feel and that should be good enough reason for anybody right there on that accord alone.
I am often times depressed, quite capable of feeling sadness and capable of crying I am choked up writing this here though currently not crying at the moment just feeling immense grief I feel like I want to cry, I am just not. I probably have a sad look on my face but there are not any tears. I am not holding back, I just do not cry when I grieve, but I do cry, over what I would be considered the stupidest of things.
Essentially I was told by a past councilor of mine, that people grieve differently, but also there are people who gasp and say "You don't cry at funerals?" "What is wrong with you?" and I am all "I didn't know there was anything wrong with me... what is wrong with me...?"
I suppose I wander through life wondering what kind of person I am. And wondering what is wrong with me..
What kind of insane cold person doesn't cry at a funeral for God's sake?
I am not a murderer or anything.
But I feel like a total umm let's say Jerk? Yeah Jerk.
My basic thoughts on death is that I fear it, and no I also don't want to be told not to fear it or that there isn't anything to fear, because I get the feeling when I am in that situation (and have almost been killed by a friend of mine whom at the time thought it a good idea to try and strangle me to death) when it boils down to it, I am pretty sure I am going to be pretty scared.
Also my basic thought on death is that the person whom is passing's life should be celebrated and that the good should be remembered. My aunt the one whom had wished death upon me has said she wants others to mourn and cry and be sad at her funeral. With death I feel I am quite sad and depressed at times already, and that I want to think back on the things these loved ones did in the past that made me laugh and smile, and all the good weird fun conversations we had.
Just writing my thoughts on death in the death and afterlife forum.
Wondering what the heck is wrong with me..and my inability to shed tears at a funeral. The very place one would think it appropriate to shed tears and always feeling when I am there like I am some sort of cold heathen and being told by my own family they wish I was dead instead..
Oh well. If you can't beat em.. may as well join em..
Joke? Badly put but.. No? Too soon?
Yeah I thought so.
-Pluto out.