Constant Thoughts of Death for 18 Years.
Hi, I am brand new to this forum and when I read others responses; I feel very calm and at peace. Thank you, kind people. I want to please share with you, my story. What I write is a true personal experience that has affected my entire mental outlook thus far and has lingered with me for 18 years.
In the fall of 1998, 4 months after finishing my first college degree, I was helping my parents run a business they inherited from my grandfather. My dad was split from my mom because of the business, so I agreed to come help the business so my dad could go home to mom.
During Thanksgiving week of 1998, I flew home with my dad to my family in California. I got a bad cold on the airplane. I went to store and bought Robitussin Gel Caps for the cold. I took two of them during the day and while sitting at the table with family, my heart started to beat out of control. My pulse was in the 160's-170's and my blood pressure went up to over 200+ / 110.
I felt as if the adrenaline in my body was broken and flowing 10x what it should. I was literally scared out of my mind. I could not sit still. I yelled to my parents to take me to the hospital right away. Once in the hospital, I could not sit still. I was pacing as my heart raced. It was the most miserable scary feeling I had ever had.
The doctor recognized that I had a reaction to the pseudoephedrine in the cold medicine. From that point on, my life was never, ever the same.
All I could think about was death. Prior to this, I was a healthy, fun, wonderful young man. I had so many dreams. I was accomplishing so much. But, after this experience, my life turned upside down.
I could not get the thought of death from my mind. I was so scared and I started to have massive panic attacks. I was having panic attacks during my sleep! I went to numerous doctors and they all said I was healthy and fine.
I even went to the doctor at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio and he did a full work-up. He told me to go out and run a marathon.
However, even though physically I was strong, mentally, my mind constantly, 24/7 thought about my own death. This evil cycle continued up to this point in my life.
I am now 40. I am medicated and doing better, but, I yearn for non-death thoughts. I can't get the thought of death out of my mind. Yes, I have done much therapy as well to try to combat these thoughts.
Am I cursed? I often ask myself... Am I crazy, I ask myself? Or, am I just scared like PTSD from that experience?
In any case, I have gone on to earn two Master Degrees. I am embarrassed to talk to people I know face to face about the experiences I have. I have also developed a pretty debilitating social phobia of people because of this.
I am kindly asking for anyone that has knowledge of death and or maybe has the ability to Astro project or whatever it is that you do; to please try to help me. Maybe I have a negative parasite that has attached itself to me during my time of vulnerability?
I have no idea. I just want to have my confidence back and to be able to go through life not worrying and thinking about my own demise. Any helpful advice, thoughts, etc are much welcomed. Please, no mean or judgemental comments. Thanks kind people!