[CherryCherry]

First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to write such honest and quality replies.

Silver - thank you for that insight into your life, you've pulled through the hardest thing you'll probably ever have to go through. Losing your child must be agony - makes you realise how precious life is. Reading these replies has made me realise that these feelings that never really leave you are usually triggered (mine is probably due to my childhood). One good thing that came from a rocky childhood was a really strong bond that I built with the rest of my family (my dad left us when I was about 5/6, but was still causing trauma until about age 10/11). I agree, maybe I am trying too hard. Maybe I should just let it be and plod on for a while. Meditation helps me quiet my mind, assess my feelings and why I feel them. I tend to think myself into oblivion, I'm always anxious (although others think I 'have it all together'!) Depression is something that I don't want to be part of my identity, I hide it from everyone apart from my close family. I never really speak of it, because it's something I've chosen to deal with alone (who needs to know). You really don't know how much you've helped me, so again thank you ❤️

CrystalSong - I appreciate you sharing, I went through a similar thing and I know it's tough to talk about sometimes. I wasn't personally abused, but had to watch my mum being beaten on a regular basis as well as her being mentally abused too. My dad was an alcoholic as well as bisexual, so he'd end up cheating on her with men. She did everything to leave but he'd threaten her and scare her, he knew how to frighten her to death with the weird things he used to say. I don't really think about it much, I just sometimes think it's weird how he never sends us birthday cards or wanted to stay in touch with us (long story). After all of that (and more which I can't go into for times sake) my mum tried her best to let us have a relationship with him. But obviously, as a mother, she had to protect us. Maybe it's that which has triggered it? I used to remember waking up in bed with trembling legs when I could hear him shouting at her - so it's probably learnt behaviour. She is an excellent mother, always so lively and kind and we have a very close bond so for that I am eternally grateful. Your coping mechanism is a good one - mindfulness helps. It helps to be in the present and take a moment before deciding how your day will go (but sometimes I just get caught up & forget!). Thanks so much!