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Hi CherryCherry :)
I struggled with depression for decades - early tweens onward.
I grew up in a household with lots of physical abuse ( weekly blood, bruising and skin damage) and thus ran away the first time when I was 6 years old. Just to give a little background.
When as a teen and young adult I would get plummeted occasionally into depression for no apparent reason I finally decided that it was possible that due to growing up in a near constant state of Fight or Flight chemical releases, that my brain had never fully developed pathways for Happiness, Joy and contentment. And that this would likely continue for this life.
This belief was further supported by how I wake up each day - which is not happy, buoyant expectant, excited, eager to see what the day holds - but wary and 'feeling inside and outside to see what the day holds', almost bracing myself to deal with things.
I wake wary, sensing for danger, always. I make no determinations about what type of day it is for at least an hour, when I'm fully awake I can determine consciously it's going to be a great day. This is not how I wake though.
So, I've concluded the physical abuse altered certain nuro-pathways and chemical balances in the body from a young age.
It was my personal cross to bear. So so be it. It is what it is. No point in dwelling further on it.
I made friends with it so to speak, the result is it doesn't have as much hold on me anymore and self judgment has been removed from it - it just doesn't have the 'I'm broken sting' anymore, nor do I victimize myself about it anymore than having freckles, or thin eyebrows.
Instead it's something I internally monitor, much like self grooming, knowing when it's time to go to the restroom or eat. A part of me monitors my thoughts and moods and self adjusts to keep them on an even keel so depression isn't experienced. I'm very stringent on monitoring my self talk and quickly reroute negative inner talk or chuckle about it and change subjects.
If I notice a couple days of down turned energy with no apparent cause other that internal chemistry I take a St John Wart and the next day am fine again.
Physical activity, Yoga, Meditation, being with friends, being creative and going to interesting events all help immensely and less internal monitoring needs to be done during these times.
Find your way to deal with it and do so, and go onward to have a rich and satisfying life with little disturbance from it. You can tame your Dragon :)
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