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Thankyou, I took your advice and last night was thinking about the hurt, and allowing myself to feel it instead of blocking it out. It did hurt, it was uncomfortable, but your guidance gave me the courage to sit through it. I started to remember and have live movie moments in my mind of being at a shopping centre and feeling scared as mum would be darting around walking fast, I'd be making sure I wouldn't get left behind or lost or taken by someone, also always watching my siblings to make sure they were ok too. Also, I realised I don't have any memories were I sat with mum and spent time with her like reading books, or chatting about how I felt, or doing things together. When I had worries I felt I dealt with them myself, health wise I wasn't particularly cared for, just given the basics. I wondered if my mind was seeing not much closeness because that's how I feel and my memories have been warped that way, but then I honestly cannot remember any quality time with my mum one on one or generally being loving to me other than cuddles, but that's what she told me. When I paid attention to how I felt about all that, it brought up feelings that I wasn't good enough for her to want to be close with me, or one thought was maybe she wanted me/us to get lost when in busy places or be left behind. I just feel if it was my children, I wouldn't take my eyes off them. Also the first part of the dream when she lay the girl down, I felt it was me and that she left me on my own a lot, she wasn't there and that's what the dream shows. I remember her taking care of my basic needs but not much more than that, she'd be dealing with her own life and that caused me to conform to her and make sure I didn't add any more stress to her life. Its all a bit confusing as I've not really thought of it all this way before, and only started seeing the true way my mum treats me and not just what I want to believe is true, but I am glad to see all this now and I will clear out these beliefs so I can see myself as innocent as God does. I understand what you say about our mistakes being part of the learning and not necessarily making someone bad, it is the misguided beliefs that cause that pain so thank you for explaining this and your guidance as its really helped me to take the next step with all of this!
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