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Originally Posted by shivatar
I'm not sure if I am a shadow person but I've felt like a ghost so many times before in my life. like i am between life and death, not alive or dead either. Well, most certainly alive, but not alive in a normal way, alive like a zombie. Things just happen on auto pilot a lot of the time, I always have to try and be conscious, it is not effortless yet.
I also have battles between light and dark inside me too. The light in me says and shows that it is my true nature and is what is at my deepest core. But the shadow in me says it is what I mostly am. The shadow says it is my strength. When I am feeling weak, the darkness calls out to me, "use me, you don't have to feel this pain. The pain is from resisting your strength". So many times I allow the darkness in so I won't feel the pain. I am learning though. I am learning how to deal with pain without allowing darkness to deal with it for me. Darkness is never good with dealing with problems, it only hides them and saves them for later. Light is also not that great for it either, something in between is.
I practiced tantra the other day. There is so much to tantra that needs to be done properly before kundalini raises. Also I think Kundalini is not something unique to tantra, but tantra is a unique path for kundalini and allows it to arise quite easily in comparison to other paths. Also I agree that tantra cannot be practiced without a partner. Tantra is about intimacy and connection between two beings, that intimacy involves emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and spirtiual intimacy. And you need an alive partner for physical intimacy :0
Why are you bethroned to one of the elohim? Why would you accept such a destiny? It's not my place to tell you what you should understand, but I do believe you deserve someone who is real and who is equally human as you are.
Overall I have been quite miserable these last 6 months. I did it to myself through my use of drugs. I'm full of regret because I couldnt anticipate how I would be now, but I also try to remember that I had a good time and it wasn't all for nothing. basically i've been depressed and separated from my spirituality for 6 months now. It's coming back online now and I constantly feel glimmers of light breaking through so I know I'll be OK in time. I've also just been doing regular things, going to work, hanging out with friends, etc. I haven't been doing any divine work like building things or teaching people because I just haven't felt that part of me awaken in a while.
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Let me ask you something...do you have a girlfriend/partner/significant other? Or do you find that your traumatic past, lifestyle choices, spiritual beliefs and stubborn independence would always get in the way of it?
There is a reason why Lord Shiva is my "better half" and that's because no human being has the stomach for my "stuff"...they are too soft and weak. God only knows (quite literally) the number of times I have opened myself up to others, only to get; "please stop, I can't take this" after like the first five minutes and I need somebody/thing to offload on to or else I'll go stir crazy.
So, the relationship is totally symbiotic...I give Him my life and He gives me His love.
Just by the by....when the "inventor" of Tantra becomes ones Tantric partner, all the "rules" get rewritten and the whole physical aspect becomes superfluous. :)
Aum Namah Shivaya