I'm still going through hell. It's very bad right now. Feels like there is a war going on inside of me and my self is being assaulted on all sides. Part of me want's to be sad and full of grief about how bad things are. Maybe then I would be more motivated to do something. Another part of me wants to keep going through this hell. Not in a demented self-torturing kind of way. In a psychotic adventurer kind of way, reckless but not self-destructive.
It took a lot before I gave my attention to Lord Shiva. I think Lord Shiva dearly loves me. Why else would he put so much effort into creating a connection with me, a connection I never wanted but accepted once offered. For a long time I spent my life thinking I deserved great pain, so much that I didn't ask for help from anybody, not even Shiva. I was so willing to sacrifice my life for nothing that Shiva himself stopped me. I felt his arm but I didn't see anything that clearly said it was Shiva. Who else would it be though. Nobody else has the power to reach across dimensions and pull my energy body from my physical body then show me visions about the universe.
Lord Shiva is great, and patient, and forgiving. I am a very poor devottee. Not committed, not dedicated, full of wasted potential. But Shiva bends the rules for me and allows me certain things I haven't earned. I think Lord Shiva is flirting with me, trying to woo me into being his devotee. For the life of me I can't figure out why I don't just committ. Who else could I be waiting for... what else could I want...
Maybe it's high time I took the advice to just surrender. Focus only on Shiva, and let go of everything else. My need for answers doesn't come out of surrender, it comes out of fear that comes before surrender.
Let go Shivatar, Let go. For the love of everyone, just let go. I will be there for you.
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I've looked up a little information on Shiva Bhakta. It means a devotee of Lord Shiva right? Would you please tell me what that means to you personally?
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Originally Posted by The Necromancer
Seeing as how we are the only ones that's going to be posting on this thread, there's something I must reveal to you now....it is time.
This is why we are the dearest of friends! I knew this right from the start and had it reconfirmed when you spoke about shaivite tantra a few months ago.
It is very difficult for me to feel empathy (as you know) and it is also almost impossible for me to say "I love you" to another human being, but when you were going through hell last month, my heart chakra exploded and what came out was the result of me seeing Lord Shiva inside you. He really loves you and you are also His - I have felt this.
As much as you don't want to admit it and maybe you aren't quite ready to admit it just now, you are a Shiva bhakta. It will take time for you to come to the full awareness and acceptance of it, but it is inevitable. You talk about 'chasing spiritual highs' and 'the river' and all of that, but all you need to do is to open your heart up and surrender it to Shiva...fully surrender it. The resulting spiritual high...the bliss is incredible!
He is always there, even when you are down and if you shed tears in loving worship of Him, your kundalini will go through the roof, but the trick is not to want this to happen...expect nothing, ask for nothing but to never forget Him and just let it go with all the love you have inside.
You have a very beautiful heart and I have felt it. You radiate such presence that my 'Shiva radar' beeps like mad. It's up to you now to find this within, not to just concentrate and focus on the amazing power of Bhairava, but also on the love of Shiva and just let yourself totally drown in that river without putting up a struggle.
Aum Namah Shivaya
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