Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Swami Chihuahuananda
I'm don't have depression , and I'm not suicidal, but I have begun to wonder what's the freaking point , if you just keep doing the same old stuff year after year, with occasional splashes of cosmic delight ?
... it really ****es me off !. Take this job and shove it  |
I had this feeling in a really deep whole body way in the weeks just prior to getting hit by the cosmic 2X4 of Awakening and had even given the music I wanted played at my funeral to the church pianist and was quietly going about wrapping up my affairs with one hand, while the other hand kept busy pretending to be doing just fine and enjoying life.
I said a very earnest prayer, telling God I apologized for not getting the 'point' of life and after decades of trying very hard to find my Purpose and live it and be a good person and bring good into the world, that I was tired now, nothing made sense, it seemed like a cosmic joke and I was finished. Stop the train let me off, I don't want to be here anymore.
It was tremendously sincere, not a passing mood, or a few bad days or weeks. It felt soul deep and a total change of beingness. I surrendered my place on Earth - I was finished.
Awakening happened before I learned how I planned to 'jump off the train', but I think I was just going to stop eating and drinking and cause a health crash which would result in wasting away.
God/the Universe/Source had other plans however, and now that I had utterly surrendered - Awakening came one afternoon shortly after that like a cosmic lightening strike.
I guess what I'm saying here is total surrender can lead to great wonder, new purpose and new meaning.