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Originally Posted by linen53
Michelle and Starman, I really thought I was the only one who dabbled in dangerous behaviors, ignoring illnesses and engaging in bad habits. Death wish? I've thought that at times. I really am not ready to leave yet. But there is that instinct to attempt to want to go Home. Kind of like a "whoops!" attitude. 
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I do honestly think I was possibly more of a danger to myself when I was in fierce denial trying to be OK when I wasn't. All the signs were there but I chose to not look and so I had limited awareness. But the avoidance came with an energy where I was running like mad from myself and probably is what attributed to the reckless behavior. I had to become aware there was a problem, be blatantly honest regardless what I felt anyone would think about it and admit this is what i have to deal with, like it or not. I didn't ask to feel suicidal, I didn't want to feel like death but it was the truth of how I felt and it was only by opening up to that truth that I started to heal. But I am amazed looking back, how I was so good at fooling myself, it stands to reason I have also been good at fooling others. And if I can hide it so well that stands to reason there are many others out there who are turning a blind eye as well. Probably more than anyone realizes. It's tough being human.