[MaryMagdaQueenofQueens]

A year or two ago, I can't believe its been this long. My grandfather past away.
He was a great man who took care of every one around him. He went to the hospital after tell all of us that he had cancer and had been taking treatment for it. He had been there a few days and i went to visit him He was in bad shape, but he knew who i was so thats all that mattered to me. We said our i love yous and he knew it was our Good bye. He made it clear that he loved me more than i loved him when i tried to say other wise, getting genuinly upset.
i was regretting who i had been at this moment wishing i could have been the person he deserved me to be. It was heart wrenching to see one of, or possibly the strongest man i knew in this hospital wearing a diaper, confused about why he hadnt been sent home yet. YElling about how he needed to ride his motercyle, its spring time! or how The yard needs mowed right now! I have to go home!
I never wanted to see him like this. But my father made me go. He was on the run for law breaking and he called me and told me i needed to make the trip for him that i had to be there. So i went that night.
The next morning My grand father passed away. My father told me i had to go in place for him even though i resisted, because i dont go to funerals he made me feel dutiful so i went. When i arrived some one tried to make me look at the body but i freaked a little. And moved down. I placed an empty chair by the casket for my father and sat with my 7 siblings. Inbetween my Older brother and sister.
The funeral director told me i was sitting in a place reserved for grandchildren only and when i protested saying i was he just pointed to the back. I said whatever and complied.
Sitting in the back i was in full view of the back door. and durring the service My estranged mother for reasons unknown walks into the place all drugged up and i snapped. I had taken half a xannax which i thought would help me relax, my friend said it might, but it only made me more emotional. I walked out and down to a buddies house for a cigarette. I didnt realize how long i had been Gone and when i opened the front door the funeral persesion was driving by. People started yelling at me and i got in a car with my older sister. I dont remember the burial but i got a red rose which i let free out of my window. i regret it now, but i had to let go in some way.
My Grand fathers favorite team was the cardinals and after his death before my fathers arrest a red cardinal landed on my fathers hand while he was video taping my younger siblings, it sat there and looked at him and flew away.
For the past week or two i had been hearing a chirp outside my house through the walls. CHip chip chip. Over and over all the time. I never checked it out. One day i was by the back door and i heard it. I opened the door up and there was a cardinal. sitting on the railing. I was singing a song i made up and the main line was if you love me let me know If you love me can you show me and i was singing this song when this happened and as i opened the door. i saw the bird and thought of My papaw. The bird looked at me and flew to the passion fruit vine and looked at me and flew away.
I haven't heard the chirping since then
I dont know if it was just a silly bird getting scared or some message from beyond the grave but it comforts me to think that he still is here for me.. I never spent enough time with him, and i always wasted the moments that i had because of my stupid issues and problems and sickness of the mind and addiction and every thing that could have been avoided. And i just could have done so much better for both of us and i regret the way our relationship was and i didnt even realize it until just now.
lol but any way yeah I think my grandpa said hi.