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I want to thank everyone for responding to my post. I know I am a little late in coming back to it, but I tend to take periodic breaks from the internet - some short and some longer. I do appreciate each response I got and you're all so kind to offer me such good advice. I will have to check out the suggested reading materials as well!
A couple of people here asked me about my fears and I do not mind sharing them. I do, however, have to summarize as to some goings-on in my life to communicate why I fear these things.
I have been in physical pain for YEARS and no one knows why. The pain started while I was in the first trimester of pregnancy with my now eight-year old son. It was my upper back that 'went' for no clear reason (I never had back problems before in my life. I also practice yoga and pilates regularly and have done since I was a kid.). After my son's birth, my hipo/pelvic girdle 'went.' Then my feet, followed by my neck and my wrists (though the latter two were largely due to a since treated pinched nerve, but I still get twinges now and then.). I also developed sciatica. Most said a hormone called relaxin was to blame as it relaxes the tendons and ligaments in the body during pregnancy. And yet, like I said, I am still suffering. I have other health issues too which have never fully resolved. I have had lots of tests and 'manage' the pain with body-control pilates, massages, acupuncture and a chiropractor. I also regularly take certain supplements. I have to wear orthotics in my shoes at all times. For some reason, my hip/pelvic girdle pain has been especially bad for over two months now when it had been more improved for a long time (though never completely healed). In short, my body feels broken and so one great fear of mine, is that my health will never get better. It hasn't - depsite all I have done and am doing (and yes, I have done some spiriutal work too regarding it though I could do more, always!). Ironically, I have always been quite health-conscious and have lived on a wholesome diet for much of my life and exercised.
Onto my next fear...I have been living in England for eleven years and have wanted to go back home to the U.S. to live for about seven of those. My son has 'special needs' due to delayed development. Here in the U.K., healthcare is free and we all know, in the U.S., it is not. Due to my physical issues, taking care of him on my own is hard and my family is getting on in years. My husband loves his homeland and has a good job here. I am wanting out of my marriage, but do not wish to leave my son behind. He likes his school, is well looked after here in the education system and has some truly great friends. Thus, I don't really see a way out of here and so another fear of mine, is that I will never get back to where I want to be - to my beloved mountains. I am sacrificing my own happiness each day I that linger here. I struggle to have a regular job due to my health issues which only complicates matters.
I do believe there is a likely correlation between my poor physical state and my homesickness.
I have other fears - not death anymore. I have not been afraid of death since my teens. I look forward to it actually. ;-) But I fear loss on many levels...I fear abandonment. And yes, naturesflow (I LOVE your post and thank you so much for it!). I fear 'fear itself.' I fear not fulfilling what I'm meant to in this lifetime and later looking back on my life with much regret because fear really did win out in the end. I suppose I also fear continuing to feel as lonely and isolated as I do now. I fear never being able to give my son a proper fixed house/home of his own (like I never had). I fear he won't get past his developmental delays and live a more 'normal' life and I mean that in the way of functioning. I fear I'll never 'make it' as a writer and so have even let fear stop me from sending my book off to prospective literary agents. (Yes, I know, I've a lot of fear!).
I do journal routinely and I have for much of my life...I speak of my fear quite a bit when I journal. It does help, but it does not seem to allay my fears. I am aware of the reasons behind some of them. As to obne fear aspect, I had a dream which was of a past life self who I know felt so much fear. In this dream, she told me, "Please forget me. Bury me." I knew she meant to 'forget' what she had done as a result of her fears (and also to 'forgive' my now self for it) and to 'bury' some of the same doubts, worries and fears she was haunted by which are haunting (and crippling) me in this lifetime.
With regards to the OCD I suffered and therapy - I was not just focused on treating the OCD for I'd been to therapy prior to the disorder and also thereafter for other reasons. In the end, it was not the therapists who helped me with my OCD but me. I healed myself of it through various applications (and if anyone here has it or knows someone who does, I am more that happy to help them because it truly can be, what I call the, "OCDemon."). I was younger then, more spry, and had more of my life ahead of me (I was in my early to mid-20s). I did not feel as tired, achy, beaten up and sad like I often do now. I had hope and somehow, I knew I would recover and that helped to encourage me onward.
I want to be at peace more than anything - throughout the entirety of my being - this I know. I want to be healthy again. I want to be home. I want to be able to provide for my son a wonderful life. I want to write and to do well at it. I want to fulfill what my soul set out to do in this lifetime and the list goes on...
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