[naturesflow]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

It's when I read things like this I realise how well you put into words what I should really admit about myself - not exactly the same situation so maybe that I should admit. The fears that underlied my brazen claim to rebellion and forging my own way as a pre-pube. I got on my own feet in a kind of Joan of Arc way ready to go out and win wars; but there was always this underlying fear that it would never work, that I'd never have friends or a place to be...like trying to climb out of the well of despair I'd slip and fall back to dark places.

I can imagine, your sense of no "home" in you was a very real threat to your existence Lorelyen so it would be natural that you fought both for it and feared losing it at the same time. I would have cringed in fear at the thought of being rebellious in the world like your sharing you did. I suppose the foundation of family/a home (even as it had it's own dysfunction)was something that propped me up even as I was falling and drowning in my fear space. There is a comfort in knowing you have a place to be safe (environment) even as your internal world feels very unsafe.

While I was so glad that things came to a head and I was fostered I look back on a duckling syndrome, suddenly finding attachment to the first thing it encountered as mum, namely my foster mum - just 3 weeks after I was pulled out. I didn't expect much and while it all seemed good I was terrified about the me I thought I was, damaging the arrangement. I fell for her in a way, thankfully adapted quickly enough to the new physical environment, felt safe but not about me. As I sometimes say I slammed the door on my parental past but not the rebellious me. As it happened the various talkings to by the Children's people seemed to assure that it wasn't a matter of "being wrong" and as long as I steered out of trouble it was going to work.

Thankyou for sharing Lorelyen. I have gained glimpses into your world but this shows me "you" more as your life was, how you endured and felt going through this. I am glad you found a safe space that supported you.

It was/is a nice placement - still there; these parents were generous and highly supportive. Without them I'd be in a very different place today. I felt safe, so safe. D'you know, I used to have nightmares that just some slight misadjustment in the timing of events and someone else would have had that placement. Just how chance had lined up to give me a chance at last. But there's still that retreat into aloneness when things don't seem right, a happier security in going it alone.

I am glad you were able to maintain and build a connection to your safe space, your parents obviously gave a great deal of support, to help you feel this way and take care of you. Your nightmares were interesting, in how you perceived you might have missed out on the chance you gained...(how old were you at that time? ) I think that sometimes when life changes for the better, that cross over from the old world to the new one can bring up feelings around "what if'"...Sometimes the overwhelm of being immersed in this way of change can be traumatic even as it is supportive and wonderful to our well being. When you only know the way you know, any change can be difficult, good or bad. So the process becomes very much a trauma shift and process. In reading how your nightmares played out, its interesting that you on some level had the capacity to realize how fortunate you were to be chosen. I wonder, was it hard to believe that you were chosen and saved?

I could go on but the upshot it's thanks to my parents I faced the wide open bright spaces that allowed expansion. Now I'm of an age that it's hardly worth trying to change the core. I get by. I still walk the streets alone but it's made me an observer.

I often share with people, I am the impossible made possible. I never imagined the possibilities of my life and inner world could come full circle and be as I am now. My mystery school training with spirit, gave me a gift that can only be shared as I only know myself to be now. Recently I heard a story of someone speaking like yourself, she has been to various healing spaces for support and they basically share they have done all they can for her.. As soon as I heard this story, I felt a real sense of being able to support her in some way to unlock the mystery she has become to the world and her own mind/body/spirit connection. Whether I do or don't, it doesn't matter, more that, the mystery listening in me, reminds me that its not always a mystery if you understand the mystery yourself..

You are a wonderful being, naturesflow and have made a more fulfilling advance than myself. But for me, there's still work to do.

If you look at core work as the foundation of your abundant beautiful self that already is, then you can switch the whole concept of it being work and make it playtime and fun..