[xXeNeRGy86Xx]

this dream is from Oct 26 2016 ~ Im going back in my dream journal because I haven't had any significant dreams lately.


(recorded a day later, only 1 part of the dream still sticks)
Jess (ex gf, we had already broken up at this point) wanted to go bungee jumping (?) I was standing at the bottom of a building I think with my parents looking up and I remember thinking how important it was for me to do things with her, even when I really didn't want to, so I got in the elevator that (skyrocketed) up to the 99th floor, then slowly (99.1 99.2 99.3 etc.) went up to 100. I got off thinking I was gonna be at the top of the building all setup to jump, but instead there was a small circular platform about 3 stories above the roof of the building with a helicopter ladder hanging from it blowing in the wind under a grey sky. So vivid. Jess was already suited up ready to go climbing up and I got a few steps off the ground and the wind picked up and I believe the words I said were "**** that m8" (lol Im American but I guess I game enough on the UK servers). I looked up as Jessica climbed on without me.

~~~

Not only did this bring back the disappointing reminder of how much I've changed as the thrill seeking person I used to be, but it's almost a metaphor showing that I have to let her go on and do what she needs to do in life without me holding her down (which I never felt like I did, just like in the dream I had no control to pull her down from the ladder nor did I try). And that I have to trust that when she falls, she'll still land with me. I can't expect to really know if she loves me or not if I can't trust her to come back when she leaves.

ugh..i dunno, maybe thats just me saying that not the dream.

Anyway, it's been a constant thought weighing on me since the day we were supposed to go skydiving and I literally backed out last minute after being so excited for so long. I used to ALWAYS want to do things like that but every friend I had either didn't have the money (**) or was just plain too scared. Now that I finally found someone to do those things with, the roles are reversed and I feel like I've outgrown my thrill seeking personality at the worst possible time. I'm very ashamed of myself, and I guess I know if anyone was going to push me to do those things, it could be her.

But now she's climbed that ladder and it's not even a possibility anymore, another reason everything has been so difficult lately.

This one spoke to me, but nothing I didn't already know.