Quote:
|
Originally Posted by SlayerOfLight
I can relate to that as well since I also never cry at funerals, or better yet I never cry at all for any reason with other people around. I've lost so many people now to the point that it's just the most common thing in the world and it certainly hardened my emotions. I've lost both my grandfathers and grandmothers, uncle, my dog (he counts too imo) and my mother last year, but that doesn't mean I have an easy time getting over it. My father is the only one I have left and my reason for living. If he'd check out it would totally crush me beyond fixing...
But to answer your question nothing is wrong with you at all. You just seem emotionally tough like me and view death from a different angle.
|
The thing is I don't feel emotionally tough in a sense. I feel sadness I am just not capable of expressing it properly in my own view or in a sense. I mean to say crying or the feeling of crying and sadness and grief come to me, but in all honesty it feels forced. I remember when my aunt Doris passed. That is really the first family that had passed for the very first time, and I loved her, remembered her though had not seen her for a while, and I have very fond memories of her, and I actually felt NOTHING. Not a thing. I just remembered loving her and that she always treated me well, but actually felt nothing. Not one thing. So I tried to cry. I actually had to try to make myself cry. And I honestly really couldn't. I didn't feel anything. I remembered thinking okay... so I can't cry. Well that's messed. And felt there was something wrong with me. All I could manage was like a very dry tear or dry tears coming to my eyes, but that is all the sadness I could manage. And then I felt crying. Grief makes me feel sad now and very tired but no tears. But at that time I was concerned because I didn't really feel anything... but I did care about my aunt Doris.
Then came her funeral. Which I ended up not even being able to attend because of all my selfish hateful seeming family. We were ready to attend, and went to my grandmother's on my mother's side and one I do and did care about despite her mistakes, and the first thing out of her mouth was what in the hell are you guys wearing? To me and my mother. Because I guess not wearing black or anything fancy and dressing casually was shunned because the death was at a moments notice and at the very abrupt moment and spot on funeral to attend I had nothing to wear did not have time to change and really? I had nothing black. And heck maybe I didn't want to go wearing black? Maybe I wanted to be me and show my support in the best way I know how- to be myself. My mother undoubtedly and I can't say I really blame her, got angry-I don't blame her and we left and didn't attend.
I guess this is how people view death? It seems sick to me. I can't respectfully attend the services of someone I care about because my other family has warped opinions on what garment should be worn.
I have one living Grandmother left whom is up in age and will pass eventually. I am in apprehension of it because my Father's side is not much better. My cousin on that side hates me for reasons unknown.. I really don't get it I've done nothing to her..she cares about my grandmother very much- this I will say for her- but at the same time, she wants the property lives by it, is bent on having it, cares not that my father as well as his brother are her flesh and blood sons and should have a stake, and personally and as much as I love my living grandmother I couldn't care less if after she passed and no harm came of it, if it magically and spontaneously burned to the ground. Even though I have no owned property and could use it. Call it principle. When my grandmother passes all my thoughts will be on her and her alone, not the house, not any money, not any possessions.. etc.
People confuse me. I am just concerned about my views on death as I can't stand being at a funeral. I am there solemn there out of sole respect for the passing of the individual and loved one, can not cry at a funeral and can't help it, and while I am trying to concentrate on the beauty of what is being said by other family and the significance of the funeral and the burial and the meaning of the service and the good and the magnitude simply of existence and the beauty I guess of the traditions and trying desperately to find a sense of self and to respect the passing of the individual in my own way- I have my cousin looking at me like I'm a monster at my grandfather's funeral.
And I have my aunt whom I always looked up to telling my mother while I am in ears width that she wishes I had died instead of her daughter, and that she hates me, and "Look at her, she acts like it doesn't matter. She won't even cry. She doesn't give a damn". Without having the slightest idea or semblance of a clue of how I feel what I'm thinking (which has never been I wish it was someone else had died... in that snide tone..) and to be honest nor do people care how I feel or think.
And if they knew they'd be draw droppingly aware that my sadness goes beyond depths so unfathomable it's enough to make one depressed for a lifetime, for an infinite eternity.
Or at least that is how I feel and some capable enough of picking up on it honestly know. Except they call it or rfer to it as "You know, you're pretty dark Sarah". And I respond "Really? Am I? You have no idea whom I am. Tell me all about me. Please do continue?"
I wonder it that gives them a clue.
It leaves me often wondering.... What is wrong with people?
I don't know, I prefer to see death for what it is. Or at least what it means to me, for a very beautiful gathering where those who cry cry and those who do not or can not observe how they feel in solace privately and with respect for the passed in their own manner in time. If I want to consider the service itself respectful and beautiful I am just going to. And those whom wish me dead and silently curse me can and will. There isn't anything I can do about that. And they will have to deal with that.
Everything can't be my burden and cross to bear. I already have quite enough.
All I know is when I pass, I just wish to do so comfortably and in peace.
Really peace within, not just others ceasing to harp at me, but peace.
Enough of this death talk!
I should probably give myself a rest. Cake anyone..?
Hmmm yeah.