Hello.
As the title above states, I am depressed. Severely depressed. I've noticed that I had been depressed since several months back but have observed that its gotten significantly worse as of late; hence me feeling the need to pour what I feel inside of this thread. Writing is a healing method for me and I feel writing here would beat talking to a professional, which lets be honest, I dont have the time or resources to do.
Please bear with me and I look forward to any input or criticism from you guys.
Okay lets start! First of all, I am a fighter and I am a survivor. I am depressed but I have not thought about ending my life because I love life! I have so many goals I want to accomplish and so many things to look forward to in the future. So suicide is not an option for me.
Instead, I am depressed because well...I fit the symptoms of depressions. If you're familiar with bipolar, I may be considered Bipolar II depression (or hypomania)
I have held back on trying to heal my depression because I thought it was manageable at first. But now its gotten to the point where others have called me out on being depressed, which means its really noticeable because I usually am good at putting out an expression that I either am calm or I am okay.
I am depressed because life is boring. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing makss me excited. I go on vacations and feel empty during the actual vacation. I buy things (impulsively but not exactly breaking the bank) that I want but don't need to justify buying it there and then. I sometimes dont feel like talking to people because the presence of other people sometimes gets me...irritated? I am depressed because so many people expect so much from me when I'm only human. And for some reason people expect me to be perfect but have massive tolerance about other people's mistakes. I am depressed because no matter what I do or how hard I try, I am always at fault. I am depressed because I don't feel like I matter to anyone. I am depressed because I don't feel like what I have to say is never important for other people to take notice. I am depressed because I've become a shell of my former self, emotionally and expressionally. I am depressed because everyone thinks I don't know what I'm doing in life. I am depressed because I have no one in my life thats spritually and mentally advanced than I am that I can learn from.
I am depressed because life is moving way too fast for me and I keep up. I do. But its so exhausting. When can I take a second to breathe and slow down? Why is everything so fast paced?
I am depressed because I intentionally choose to work 7 days a week at a time to escape from reality. I am depressed because I am physically worn out from working that much. I am depressed because there is no one to call me out on being depressed (without joking of course). I am depressed because I think I deserve this depressing state that i am going through.
I am depressed because I can't connect socially with others without a feeling of block or barrier coming in to end the conversation there and then. I don't know why this happens, I don't. I am depressed because life always throws me off a path for some reason. I want to be on a consistent path.
I am depressed because meditating apparently isn't enough to calm me down. I am depressed not because I am financially lacking, no..but because every interaction I get involves money one way or another. I am depressed because I just realized I might be bipolar. I am depressed because I want to cry but I dont like crying because it leaves me exhausted for days at a time. I am depressed because I can't be gentle without being perceived as a softie and I can't be too dominant without being perceived as cruel.
I am depressed because I have parents who are toxic and aren't understanding of who I really am. I have a step-father who is probably the biggest hypocrite of a pastor I have ever met in life. I have a survivor and fighter of a Mom who thinks she knows everything but never listens to her one and only Son who is just trying to protect her from whatever.
I am depressed because life happens. I am depressed because during the lowest point in my life, now, only my 4 month old Pomeranian puppy understands and is there by my side as I cried to sleep. Truly a man's best friend.
Why you do this to me? /end rant.
Input please. That feels much better.