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Originally Posted by Shivani Devi
I'm only coming on here for about an hour once a week myself, as things have slowed right down for me to almost a grinding halt and I'll only post if I see something really interesting (which is rare now).
Right now, I am studying Hermetics, the Kaballah and Sacred Alchemy and I haven't had a smoke of weed since I made that post above...possessing it is a crime worse than murder in this country.
I've come to the realisation that I am a 'Shadow Person' and I'm gaining full acceptance of that fact, as it is something beyond my control to change in any way and so, I am learning to live with it and existing 'in between dimensions' as it were.
I was studying the Great Arcanum today and it was talking about Tantra...it said "unless one has a partner, they cannot raise Kundalini" and I was calling 'bulls***' (as evidenced by all the great celibate and self-realised monks since time immemorial) and then I heard it "they didn't say that your 'partner' had to be flesh and bone, existing in this dimension, did they? so what am I then...chopped liver?"
Oh great, so I seem to be betrothed to one of the Elohim...but of course, we already knew that one, didn't we?
So, finding my own 'personal strengths' is difficult, but I am learning how to rely on and tap into the combined strength of Mortal AND Divine to make some kind of hybrid creature within me...as holding it back is destroying both aspects of my soul/psyche.
This is what I have been doing...how are you, by the way? my dear friend. 
Aum Namah Shivaya |
I'm not sure if I am a shadow person but I've felt like a ghost so many times before in my life. like i am between life and death, not alive or dead either. Well, most certainly alive, but not alive in a normal way, alive like a zombie. Things just happen on auto pilot a lot of the time, I always have to try and be conscious, it is not effortless yet.
I also have battles between light and dark inside me too. The light in me says and shows that it is my true nature and is what is at my deepest core. But the shadow in me says it is what I mostly am. The shadow says it is my strength. When I am feeling weak, the darkness calls out to me, "use me, you don't have to feel this pain. The pain is from resisting your strength". So many times I allow the darkness in so I won't feel the pain. I am learning though. I am learning how to deal with pain without allowing darkness to deal with it for me. Darkness is never good with dealing with problems, it only hides them and saves them for later. Light is also not that great for it either, something in between is.
I practiced tantra the other day. There is so much to tantra that needs to be done properly before kundalini raises. Also I think Kundalini is not something unique to tantra, but tantra is a unique path for kundalini and allows it to arise quite easily in comparison to other paths. Also I agree that tantra cannot be practiced without a partner. Tantra is about intimacy and connection between two beings, that intimacy involves emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and spirtiual intimacy. And you need an alive partner for physical intimacy :0
Why are you bethroned to one of the elohim? Why would you accept such a destiny? It's not my place to tell you what you should understand, but I do believe you deserve someone who is real and who is equally human as you are.
Overall I have been quite miserable these last 6 months. I did it to myself through my use of drugs. I'm full of regret because I couldnt anticipate how I would be now, but I also try to remember that I had a good time and it wasn't all for nothing. basically i've been depressed and separated from my spirituality for 6 months now. It's coming back online now and I constantly feel glimmers of light breaking through so I know I'll be OK in time. I've also just been doing regular things, going to work, hanging out with friends, etc. I haven't been doing any divine work like building things or teaching people because I just haven't felt that part of me awaken in a while.