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i used to try
to tell people
what a pickle im in
but noone ever cared
at some point
i figured out
they didn't care
because
i'd gone out of my way
to give them the courtesy
of not having to face
the kinds of horrors i always
have to face
they get pleasant lives
with some semblance of peace
that I'll never attain...
and a lot of it is
because
I've spent a lot of time
softening
various blows for them.
so how could they even know
anything even close
to what my life is actually like
how much strife and pain?
they just assume
I'm like them
have some semblance of peace
and that
all my talking
is just
another attempt
to get something or other
from them
in some vain way
which in fact
maybe in some ways
they are right
im always needy
although
in my own defense
it is very hard
to stop and actually accept
harshness
in the way
I have to face it
there is always a desire
to try
to find
some way out
especially with everyone
telling me
all the things I have to do
to avoid
this that and the other thing
or else something bad will happen
and all the other things i can't do
or can't allow to happen
or else something bad will happen
and top of the list
one should feel good
and be happy
or else
up until recently
I've been getting my fille
of playing
escape artist
and trying to find something
anything!
to soften my own pain
and get myself out
of whatever trap
i next find myself in
my upsettedness now
though
is
that escaping is one thing
but I always
find myself
in yet another trap
after that
and I have to do it all over again.
im getting tired of that too.
So I think
any more
what is the point
in trying to go somewhere I'm not
just because others
are telling me that is bad not to do just that?
so im thinking
isn't it just easier
to accept im in pain
and quit squirming
trying to make it go away?
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