Hi 1irishninja,
Sorry about calling you Irish Krishna -- but then Krisha really came and left a message for you. I am not a wise man. What Revya said definitely makes a lot of sense. That's the best human way to address the issue. It is really great that she/he found the way to say it.
In addition to this there are supehuman ("magical") ways to find answers to your question where you can stumble on the answer all by yourself. Unfortunately I am not anyone who could give you any clues but I am sending you my support in your search. I think things like Ekhart Tolle need to be practiced diligently plus be serious about what Revya said.
Hopefully you will come to it or it will come to you. Give yourself some rest time -- put your pain/ache/hurt on hold for a while and keep seeking and no overspending or overeating for the time being please.
