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Hello Paranoid Hippie.
The way we react to many situations and circumstances as they happen in the present is likely to be influenced by our encounters and experience of broadly similar or somehow connected situations and circumstances in our unique back stories.imo.
If we become aware that particular situations and circumstances in our present cause us a great deal of pain--as seems to be the case here P.H.--and with which I can truly empathise--then a suggestion would be to try to understand if there has been some influencing cause in our personal back story.
It may be that such a cause may be easy enough to see/understand, however sometimes we may not be in a position to make this objective judgement. Perhaps we were too young when something happened to do anything other than register raw reaction rather than objective thought, so the memory is not available to us as a thought process but nevertheless has great influence as a causal emotional response.
In which case it would be beneficial to seek assistance from someone able to help us to gently lift the layers to see if there is indeed some causal experience which continues to influence us. Once the understanding of "why" becomes clearer, then so too does the prospect of at least reducing that influence increase.
This is very definitely simply a suggestion P.H., a possible course of action to embark upon if the pain you experience in this regard is proving unbearable to the extent that it seems (from reading your OP) that you are finding yourself reacting and behaving in such a way so as to attempt to accommodate your fear of disappointment/associated criticism before a possibly disappointing/critical response has been actually voiced.
As mentioned above, I empathise--and sympathise. Good wishes. pete
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