I am pretty sure this is no coincidence... but throughout my life, the moments/weeks~months of when I was praying every night before bed and usually talk with God/Jesus.... it's like when my financial life and goals were booming doing great, life seemed without problems, I was going through life like a swan through a lake, flowing happy. And the moments/weeks~months when I was becoming distant from God/Jesus.. it's like the opposite/vice versa of what I said above.. problems appearing, confusion, depressed-mood, bad financial times etc.......
I am making this thread in regards to my observation of a pattern involved in ~last 15-18 years... considering I am 29.
I am also very aware of the 'stigma' of how come when people are in need/down in their life, they ask God for help and mercy.... and when things are going great in people's life, health, financials and harmony in family etc... people somehow forget about God. It is almost like people imprint in their mind that God must be approached only to help us. Maybe we should pray to be thankful and pray to help us maintain what we already have... although we always want more and more...
And now with this in mind... it feels so hard to pray/speak with God/Jesus again... I try and do it some nights, but I just do not feel the same connection as it was 'back in the good days'... when I was praying/talking while my life was also doing really well and not clustered with problems. The reason why I can't feel the connection is that deep down n my heart I feel like I betrayed God/Jesus in a way that many times I asked him for his help...and I came one day to realize, while praying.. that every single thing I ever asked Jesus... he gave me. I came to tears when realized that... in a mix of emotions. I managed to fix so many problems/things in miraculous way, that now, looking back, makes me inflate my own ego of how come managed to always dodge the 'bullet'... but I do know it was help from the Big Guy.
I had ups and downs..and on past downs was always asking God, give me this chance.... which eventually lead to give me 'one' more chance... and He did. And I came back up a bit, and somehow I still stopped praying..talking with Him... and slow going down again. Remember, I am also speaking based on personal patterns. And now even after the last time.. am seriously ashamed of myself to return to Him. I do try... I do pray to Him, mostly asking for forgiveness for what I have done... but it is like if I can't believe myself, how can God then? And I do not believe myself as much because of the obvious feeling.... as an analogy.....it's like when you ask your best friend for a sum of money.. you act like you forget to pay it back. Then you ask a second time, and you tell him you will, you delay and don't pay. Then you implore for a 3rd time.. and you %@&^ it up then as well... now.. how would you feel about going for a 4th time to your friend? It's the self shame, the insecurity that you might also %@&^ it up again... it's the shame derived for putting your friend to this as well... But honestly, this is a poor analogy... to get back to the topic, this is not a problem of one emotion such as shame, but rather a mixture of them.... including feeling like a betrayal.. guilt..shame...
I remember one night, long ago... could have been 2 or 3 AM.. I was praying with my face close to the window outside.... was asking God/Jesus for help again and talking with him about this and that... I guess repenting as well... and as my tears were going down my cheeks.. I see outside, 2 white pigeons flying.. at that hour?? and white pigeons? immediately in my mind this felt deeply like a Sign... and a symbol of hope. And my life general~ went up with the immediate problem getting fixed as well.
Also one of the moments when I was at the heights in terms of financial gains, it was like Jesus was one of my best friends who I was sharing to my daily stories, talking very excitedly randomly throughout the day about this and that being thankful for etc etc... That also happened after when I was broke and used the last of my money to buy an icon of Jesus and Baby Jesus with Mother... while having no expectations when doing so... pure act.
Last year I even dream of Jesus, I spoke about it in this
thread, but please don't get distracted to jump on that other thread if you can and have something to say, reply here. Thank you in advance. I need to regain the belief that I can form that relationship I once had, again...