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Thanks for your response Lucky. I do use Palo Santo quite regularly, sage gives me headaches, but yes, that is a good idea.
I was just thinking about a man I had seen while in a city near where I live. He was standing there, sort of in the middle of the sidewalk, there were lots of people everywhere so the fact that he was standing there was not so strange but the feeling I got from him, and I suppose what I could briefly read of his body language may have been off somehow. I got a very strong and bad feeling from him-everything in me was screaming "stay away" and his eyes seemed to take on a form of darkness I don't think I have seen in a long time. In this short period of time, my mind quickly got a visual of violence, that sent me spinning briefly because of course I did not expect this. I was in no danger, there were people everywhere and I then knew to make very sure he did not follow me. Though I did have some imagination of what if's but I knew nothing would happen.
But this is the thing. I have never gotten into trouble from a stranger-ever. I'll admit I've done stupid things, but I always knew when I was okay, and when I was not. Always. So it has protected me, I know that and I am grateful. On the other end, I don't want to know about these people. I don't want to see this mans violence even if it protected me. I feel ungrateful saying that.
I know a huge part of my problem is my own, I grew up in a home that there was violence. I want to forget about it. I don't want to be reminded of it. I don't want it in my face. I don't want that man in my face. What I should have done was punch him out. Oh gosh, I'm crazy. See, I have issues with this. I'm not serious, I don't go around hitting people. sorry!
I got really clobbered with the saying "no" thing and am much better with it. For the most part people dont latch on to me any longer because I'm not going to be "nice" to them and let them treat me like a doormat and they can tell. I got to the point where I was making my own self ill from my own lack of self respect and these people that have two faces-passive-aggressive, want me to do all the work while they sit there watching, I can't take it. So I realized I'm not anyones saviour. I can barely even save myself.
But oddly, there ARE still holes in my boundaries somewhere and sometimes I can see them. Its the oddest thing. I have to be in a certain spot mentally to catch it, often when I am very present. And I know certain people can see them because I can see them reacting sometimes. I can't even put words to it. Its back to that believe that you have to become the change you want to see....
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