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It has been nearly 7 years ago that my son committed suicide. I can't believe it, but I am okay with it now. When it first happened, and for many years afterwards, I was so raw with pain I couldn't believe it. I never knew such pain was possible. But I've never blamed my son for the pain I felt. I've been suicidal myself and understood the desire to end one's own life. I just didn't know how much it would hurt others.
I contacted my son through EVP (electronic voice phenomenon) after his death. The first message I got was "I'm just fine, Mum." The message was in HIS voice. I wanted to know so much--what he was doing, where he was--but "I'm just fine, Mum" is the most loving message he could have given, and I can "play" it in my head whenever I want, and from the computer, too. I do believe he is just fine. There were messages I'm not sure I deciphered correctly,, but I think he either went to some kind of hospital for help or else to work--that is, to help others. I also think he said he has to "do it again" meaning deal with the issues he tried to escape through suicide.
One of the tools that I have found most helpful in my grief is a song by Enya, "If I could be where you are." I played that song again and again and again. It was very healing to feel my grief as I listened and cried. Listening to the song was painful, but it was a healing pain. It helped the pain to boil over and leave me clean.
I miss my son. These past 7 years have been an incredibly difficult journey, but I think both of us are okay now.
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