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When I was a little kid I use to feel homesick even when I was at home. I could never understand that until I got older. I'm honestly not a fan of this experience mainly because I have struggled my whole life to feel good. Like you I pretend to be happy when in general there is a lot of disappoint. that isn't to say I can't enjoy a good laugh but in general I feel life is not a pleasant experience. That said, I am aware that I chose this life to work on me and focus on clearing the deep rooted limiting beliefs that have been holding me back from thriving and living life with abandon. I have gotten the message that life can be like heaven on earth but for some we chose tougher lives so that future lives we can thrive. So this life of mine didn't turn out to be what I expected especially in regards to what I thought my life should look like but I am doing the self work my soul set out to do so hopefully future lives feel honestly happier.
That said, I wasn't able to start to clear my limiting beliefs until I got truly honest with myself about how I felt so it is good you are honest and it does sound like you are trying to make the best of it. If you haven't already maybe try and ask your soul what is holding you back from being honestly happy. There may be something there that can be shifted that will help change your perception. I am aware now that most of my life was spent just trying to feel better but not exploring why I felt bad in the first place. It's not just the feelings we need to heal but our misguided thoughts that feed the feelings. Getting curious about our emotions and moods can help us root out the misguided thoughts that are holding us hostage. Well anyway I do hope you can find heaven on earth one day. You do deserve to feel honestly happy. Hugs
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