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I have to thank you all very much for all the suggestions and encouragement. These past years have been so tough, but at the same time, I felt that for weeks since I moved to this new job opportunity things had been flowing towards a much better direction before the last full moon hit.
The week was very intense, so much healing took place and I considered many of the things said by you all who replied.
For example, for years I did focus much on healing the inner child, but this year I felt like maybe I had enough healing as to move on. But the mention from iamthat about the feeling of the wall being likely related to huge trauma causing me since early stages to develop this protection really got me thinking.
There has been a very specific topic from past lives about childhood, and there was some sort of scenario being replicated in this lifetime and going very deep again into this issue, I did feel like a huge wall broke down. There was definitely a shift in my energy and mostly this was a topic that for years I have been trying to give closure to but in meditation I was told I had not gained enough strength yet to really start undoing the damage.
After days of literally having very little rest, it was impossible to sleep at night, feeling like not even wanting to eat (when normally I feel the need to eat well enough) and sobbing very hard each day, the moment came to dig very deep into the trauma.
It was a particular situation in my job that lead to all of it and it was causing a deep crisis because every day and every night I felt horror just to see some sort of subconscious mirror while interacting with someone or just by the sight of this person passing near me. I could not cope with the confusion and even at night I would have weird dreams about this person and see in my inner eye this person.
My guides in spirit form said that I would have to cope with this and that at some point in the future I would understand who this person is and why it was causing this degree of breakdown at all levels.
After the intense emotional purging, there came a point of stabilization and now I no longer feel this confused around this person.
The strangest thing is, after almost 5 years today I met with someone I was connected to in a very friendly way. While talking to this person, it struck me that she looks so similar to two particular beings that have been around me for so long in spirit form. The person in my job that caused the whole crisis also seems to look very similar to at least two other guides.
I know for sure that these people are not incarnated version of my guides but they do seem to be connected to them in some way. Like they carry a genetic link to them from past lives, like extended family or something like that. For that reason, these people seem to be connected to me from very ancestral times, including lifetimes of wars or other forms of conflicts and they are not aware of any of this but I am because of all the retrogrades in my chart.
Next thing to do after living some of the most intense healings and purgings of my life I am definitely going to plan a trip to some beach some time soon. I live far away from any beach but I'll be so glad to go to one!!
Another thing that really did help is that, I am definitely very hesitant to go to therapists for several reasons, but I asked the spirit of two of my ancestral soul connections to help me out by allowing me to do a therapy session and they agreed. I sent my thoughts to them, without any filters, telling me all that was bothering me and I told them about the situation I went through. I felt like they were caressing my forehead and they told me not to fear any of these very intense feelings or even the confusing thoughts. That I only had to allow everything to come out as I spoke and I got to release a lot of the situation going on.
Next day, so much of that wall that I have felt for so long was gone...
Thanks a lot to all of you. I seem to be coming out of a nightmare that felt so endless for so long. I know there is still a lot of healing to do, but a huge thorn is definitely gone for good.
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