[rainbow.sprinkles]

apologies in advance for what's sure to be an emotion-fueled rant.

without going into too much backstory, there's someone who I've had a tumultuous time with over the last few years, from an inexplicable connection right off the bat and feeling he was the one and moving in with him and stepping into the role of stepmom to his kid who I've helped raise since he was just a baby, to making each other utterly miserable and him being borderline abusive and us breaking up and him hitting rock bottom and asking for my help and me helping him to finally take steps towards getting his mental health in order and working towards being a better person for himself and his kid, to us actually developing a really amazing, positive, mutually supportive friendship and becoming extremely close over the past several months. I've been aware of feelings I've been having for him again, really enjoying spending time with him and being excited to see him and hear from him and we've spent a couple of nights together, just cuddling, nothing beyond that. he's been avoiding getting into anything with anyone while he gets his **** together but we just had a conversation about the fact that he's been seeing someone and there are feelings between them but he's been open about thinking he's still in love with me as well. I laid out everything I've been feeling for him lately.

here's the kicker. over the past few weeks my energy levels have been way higher than normal (I have major depressive disorder so it's rare for me to have even 2 high energy days in a row), I've been feeling really good, being really productive, and noticing that I've been seeing 11:11 a LOT. like at least once or twice a day every day. it seemed like I was getting signs that the way I've been feeling and the way our relationship has been progressing was us being on the path that we were always meant to get back to, that I was right to be feeling this way, that us being close was right and natural and inevitable. but our conversation just now ended with me basically saying that he knows how I feel, that all I can say is to follow his heart and things will work out the way they're supposed to and as long as he's happy and making good choices for himself and his son then those choices can't possibly be wrong. he basically thanked me and it strongly felt like he was making the choice to explore things with her and close the door on the possibility of things with us, a goodbye of sorts. now I feel like I've been duped. what was me seeing 11:11 constantly about, if not a sign that our relationship was progressing naturally and things were happening as they were meant to? if things are suddenly going to stall and switch gears and I'm going to have to take a step back why would I be seeing 11:11? it doesn't make any sense to me. I'm bewildered and, if I'm honest, a bit angry.

any outside perspective would probably be valuable. I'm probably not seeing the big picture very well right now. I feel like I'm stepping back onto the path of grieving this relationship all over again now. our friendship dynamic has been beautiful and great but I'm not sure I know how to deal with it knowing it can't continue to evolve and progress naturally. this feels like a blockage and it hurts.