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So I wanted to ask does anybody else feels the unfairness of it all and how to deal with that?
Also as many wrote before me seams unfair that I have to suffer that much and be alone yet he has wife and fulfilled life, knowing him if he would to suffer like me just for a day he would do anything to end it and he would think of himself first.
I know he miss me I just know that, I assure you its not wishful thinking of delusion but I also know he doesn't miss me or suffer AS much as I do.
I know that the pain of chaser is way way bigger than the pain of the runners.
Also, I know this sounds so awful and I know this isn't "competition about who suffers more in a TF relationship" but still chasers have dealt with such a bad role, unwillingly.
You may say that I dont have to suffer I can be happy but Im telling you I feel like I cant be happy without him.
You know what else is not fair? The fact that the only real, rational, earthly reason we are not together is his wife. Why I have to suffer and yet she got him for so many many years in marriage. It is just not fair, its not, it feels like some kind of huge cosmic mistake some kind of a glitch or something. Yeah, you gonna say god or cosmos does not make mistakes but what if they do?
And not just that his wife is our only obstacles it is that all she represents. He felt obligated to keep family together while kids were young, but also shes the sole owner of his apartment if he would to divorce he would have to rent and renting in his age where we live is not something people like to do. If there isnt for that, if he had more on his own, only if he would be more brave to do right thing...
You may say I got all wrong since its a spiritual thing but lets face it it is also a financial thing at least in this part of the world where we live, where people have less and also have less of social security in general. He would be basically different person if he lived in a first world country, since he works in a nice respectable industry but not real money since that's the way we live in this part of the world....
Ok that was my rant about his life circumstances.
I know you will say this is spiritual thing and he would act the same if we were some other nationality but I really feel like even so it wouldn't last for so long, we would get together and things would work out way more quicker than its happening now...
He has such a burden of keeping up appearances of happily married man, working hard to maintain that image, knowing that if he would like to be alone and call it quits he would left basically homeless (without his own home I mean)... Also he is afraid of social stigma of divorce even though there is no real social stigma of it anymore in real life, but I know he feels that way since he is old fashioned in that way.
I mean, I dont need his divorce, and now I dont need nothing much besides text message or one just one message anywhere just to write me he is ok and ask me how am I doing, just that.
Im just trying to explain why I feel it not fair and it wasn't fair in the past...
I also wanted to ask you guys how to cope with the feeling of being in the hurry all the time, sometimes I just cant take how many years we lost. Sometimes I just cant deal with the fact that Im here waiting for him, loving him and he is out there with her and he wont ask me how am I doing after all those years, even when I reached out for him and begged him just to write me one word back.
I mean, yeah I was hopping for us to talk on the phone and eventually see each other but when I realized he wont even answer to my message I start begging for a word, just to type a word just one word...
Jesus this sounds so pathetic and wrong and I sound like a such a loser...
And Im not a loser, I love my self a lot I know I deserve the best I know I deserve good things in life but I also know that I without him nothing feels good, nothing.
It's like looking a taste bud and not being able to taste food, thats how it feels...
Also, wanted to ask about TF being mirrors to each other. What does that mean? In the mirror you see things different than in real life, left is right and right is left and so on so what does that mean in terms of TF?
Does it mean that when I reach out he runs away, when Im feeling angry with him he feels angry at me too or what?
Can somebody please explain the whole mirroring thing to me.
Dont get me wrong, I rant a lot, but I love him so much. Couple weeks ago I felt influx of love I felt like my heart and stomach is gonna explode, it was such a huge wave of love towards him, it was the kind of love you feel towards your lover but also towards your child and parents, and family and friends and pets, it was just pure love and I let it flow thru me without asking myself "who do you love? a guy whose with another woman at this very moment?".
Im not a mom nor I will ever be, I dont even have pets and not many friends or anything, so the love Im talking about is just a strange mixture of all kinds of pure, warm love you can feel towards people... that kind of love....
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