[kundalinikid]

I've been hung up on someone who interest in me was never more than a friend I've gathered. I regret opportunities I missed to get to know them on a closer level. It's hard for me to get over these 'mistakes'. But then at the same time looking back, I'm like well, I doubt it would of done much good because I was basically a wreck with two working legs in my youth (just psychological, emotional, drug issues). And what's the difference of someone telling you, you are just a friend at best in person or via email or whatever.

It's just gone on so long. I wonder if I suppressed it so long with alcohol/drugs that now that I am clean and sober a lot of these emotions are resurfacing? Anyway, I've worked through therapy and all sorts of healing techniques and nothing seems to work. I realize this person does not owe me anything in particular and they have their own life.

Someone told me that you don't get over someone but getting under someone. But there was a time where I built a new friendship with someone else and feelings did begin to develop. That one also did not work out so well for me. But I guess if I don't put myself out there then how can I ever open my heart up to someone new? I partly think my ego just can't let go of this because it was too damaging to it. I completely put myself out there with this person and they rejected me on a romantic level.

Do you think it's unfair to new people in your life if you are holding onto something old? I just want to move on and live once for me. For the first time in my life I feel good about my life. Like I'm literally saying to myself. My God, I'm adult finally LOL (which is terrible for my age). I pay bills, I clean my home, I keep normal hours, I am not involved in questionable behavior, I feel not at all threatened to lose my job, I pay my taxes without being reminded, like legitimate stability! You have no idea how nice this is for me because I literally thought I'd have to be under my families care until they were dead and gone. I was just terrified of my parents dying because I was like who will take care of me. It was the same thought as my sister. I just don't really have anyone other than them. So, I guess now I'm at a point where I feel I can develop somewhat of a healthy relationship. It's just this nagging past I have that gets to me. Additionally, a lot of my suprapsychological experiences were based around this one particular person. The experiences themselves cause mega PTSD in me. So it's just been a cruel reminder to me because I think about that experience, then it would turn to thoughts of this person and on and on. I literally do not know why God chastised me so hard. I'd rather not even think about it.

Anyone have any advanced healing techniques/strategies. I'm looking for things to do with proven track record of working. The only thing that seems to work well for me now is extended water fasts. It helps me be able to deal better with the stress of my past. Only problem is I don't generally have enough time off of work to go as long as I'd like.