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Originally Posted by shivatar
I'm afraid that the reason behind all these things is the childhood trauma I experienced. If it were something else I could possibly change it, like if it were caused by the last few years of drinking and drugs, maybe then I could reverse the damage somehow. But the childhood trauma I faced? From what I hear it's a death sentence. People in my position are essentially crippled for the rest of their life, subject to chronic illness and general misery.
I'm afraid my trauma has caused my brain to essentially fizzle out and die on me. The nature of my trauma is unbearable. Constant for basically my whole childhood. I learned to survive by shutting down who I really am. Now that I am grown I feel like a shadow of who I am, I'm caught in the same coping mechanisms that I used as a child and I can't get out of them no matter how much I realize I'm doing it and try to change it.
I don't feel an urge to live for myself, to choose my own life.
I can't even muster the energy to avoid future pain. I'm so resigned that I can't even act when the reaper is staring me in the face. I feel like I gave up once before and now I am condemned to always be giving up as soon as the road becomes difficult. As much as I hate to admit it, I am a quitter. When push comes to shove my resolve dissolves and I crumble.
I'm taking some probiotics now, eating relatively healthy foods (salads and fruits at least half the week, junk/regular food the rest (it used to be 99% junk lol)). I take some supplements for brain health and to get good sleep, GABA, rhidiola, ginko, 5-htp, trypotphan, valerian, etc. I have a wizard cabinent of magical herbs, including the ganja which is probably the one herb I should let go. To be honest, I got the health herbs to alleviate the ganja related brain symptoms. I smoke ganja to help me deal with the pain of the trauma.
I want to quit drugs, but there is an infinite amount of pain waiting for me once I get sober. The only way I have learned to live is by totally avoiding my mind, trauma, and identity.
I just want to have a normal life. To be able to have a good platform of emotions and physical feelings to work with. To be able to see my desires and go achieve them. To be able to receive happiness and love without automatically shutting down.
Right now I am struggling just to survive. Each day I wake up in horrible mental pain. When I go about my business I am not there, it's just a shell that has learned what needs to be done in order to see another day. I don't smile anymore, I don't feel excited either. I barely feel anger. I haven't felt stress in god knows how long. I feel almost nothing, I feel like a ghost.
Is this really just a phase of development that everybody goes through? The childhood trauma has been untreated for decades, and modern psychology basically says my brain is fried because of that. Based off what I am experiencing now, splits in consciousness, attention, memory, etc, seems to be a clear sign saying "your brain is fried buddy!".
I'm in hell right now and I feel like this is the new normal for my life. I'm learning to be a husk of a human who can survive in hell... I don't want to do that. I want to be something else but I fear I don't have the strength to withstand any more pain. If I'm a husk I can avoid the bad but I miss the good too. If I let in the good and feel the bad, I'm afraid I will truly give up next time things get bad. I'm paralyzed in a place of great pain and I don't know what to do.
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I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, Corey, but I shall tell you something....every word of it, I could have written myself, except for the feeling 'hopeless' part, because thankfully, my
alexithymia takes care of that...but the brain fogginess, chronic pain, fibromyalgia, M.E. etc, drives me to total distraction
most days...yep, it's caused by childhood trauma (which I have also had my fair share of) and yep, it is a 'death sentence' in which no doctor out there will be able to tell me what I am dying from, even though we both know that I am dying.
I was only thinking yesterday, that after I go, I am going to donate my body to science. lol
Having said that, I am also on GABA, tryptophan and valerian, but recently, I cut out the Valerian for Kava Kava (it works
much better than Valerian):
http://i.ebayimg.com/images/i/262623...-1/s-l1000.jpg
Also, make sure your vitamin B6 and vitamin D3 levels are way up there. I have also heard that DHEA is good, but haven't tried that one out yet.
In regards to the aches, pains and fogginess...I know that it tastes disgusting, but Apple Cider Vinegar with the 'Mother' helps...take about 20-30ml of it 3 times a day with meals.
Then, look into Ayurveda...I've put myself on a regimen of Ashwaghanda, Chyawanprash and Churna.
As much as you don't want to hear this,
nothing is going to improve unless you wake up at 5-6am every day and do meditation and yoga...so if that seems unappealing to you, what is worse, doing
that or suffering how you are
now? The choice MUST be made. It's also something that
both of us need to seriously address.
I was looking on Youtube yesterday...came across a video called "Yoga. My Bed. And M.E." which is about the state at which I can start this right now:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IaNskXb0-o
Yeah, all of that 'surrender to God' stuff doesn't work in regards to this, does it?
Meanwhile, think of them all as 'ascension symptoms' or 'kundalini symptoms' if it makes things easier, and go out and 'ground' yourself....there are things, that no matter how much we don't want to do them...no matter how much we hate doing them, or the whole idea of doing them
totally un-appeals to us, nothing whatsoever will change
unless we do it...so we must choose...do we do what we hate, or be how we hate?
Next week, I have an appointment with my GP to start back on Duloxetine (Cymbalta). I was on it once, but had to discontinue it after a week due to nasty side-effects. This time, we're going to start at the lowest dose and gradually build it up to a therapeutic dose over the course of a month or two...until my body gets used to it and can handle it.
Meanwhile, all you can do is self-care...look after yourself...try and distract yourself from whatever it is you are feeling, because the more you concentrate on it, the more attention you give it, the more it
feeds it...like a spoiled, brat of a child....trust me, I know.
So, here's a list of 'other things' you can do when this strikes:
http://www.onelittlehappything.com/w...reideaspin.jpg
While all of this is going on, look into all of those cognitive behavioural lessons and solutions for a condition called
distress intolerance, which is a natural result of trauma...and which I know that both of us have.
Seeing a counselor can help with this and there are a few online programs as well, like moodgym:
https://moodgym.com.au/
Remember those things you like to do and do them...whatever they are. It may take a lot of strength and focus, overcoming that which tells you to 'go to hell' when you ask it to come along with you to the park to feed the ducks...but drag it along kicking and screaming if need be.
There are those people for whom obeying/incorporating the ego as a holistic approach to their enlightenment works...and those who need to totally kill it to get
any peace whatsoever....I am the latter.
All the best, my friend and I wish us
both well.