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Lynn, I know the feelings you describe. The whole empath-narcissist dynamic fascinates me, especially because the lessons and growth that come out of these relationships seem to be one-sided...meaning the empath is the one to learn the hard lessons while the narcissist walks away seemingly unscathed. It blows my mind to see how the narcissist is unaffected and will quickly move to a new source of energy to feed from. The empath in me wants to know things like, “what happened to you that made you so cold? What trauma did you experience that made you create such a tough exterior? Why do you wear so many masks and why are you so afraid to be your true self? Do you even have a true self? Are you heartless?”. These are questions I have for the narcissist. As an empath, and also just being who I am, I am intrigued by the inner workings of people.
I try my best to be the light for those who may need it, to hold space for them when no one else has...because I know what it feels like not to be heard and understood. I feel that when I open myself up to someone, open my heart and be my authentic self that it’s giving those in my company the opportunity to do the same. I suppose with the narcissist, there just is no getting through to them. This makes me sad. I suppose that’s the reason I stayed longer than I should have, because I had hope that I’d be able to break through that tough exterior. Silly me for always seeing the good in people, despite the mask they wear. But the narcissist...I question if it is a mask or if they simply lack any ounce of purity in their souls.
I struggle to find the positive outcome after all is said and done. Sure, I’ve grown and learned some hard lessons thanks to that experience. I’m stronger now. I’ve learned about boundaries. I had the satisfaction of having the last word. But with that, I have hardened my heart to the point where I cannot fully process those years and all I put up with. The pain and sadness is still buried deep within and it has ugly roots that run deeper than my consciousness can access. It’s incredible that after all the time that has since passed, that just the sight of his name popping up on my screen can instantly make my stomach drop. That was a trauma response. And it bothers me to know I still carry that.
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