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Originally Posted by SierraNevadaStar
That's what I've taken to calling it due to a few dreams I've had over the past year.
I fell into a dark time in the late fall/early winter of 2016 and I don't think I've fully recovered from it yet, but am trying to.
However, hindering me in the process of a full recovery and to better continue onward along my spiritual path - is an 'addiction' to what I call 'sensory' junk food. I don't mean 'junk food' as to the food I consume as I eat a wholesome vegan diet. I more mean what I take in to myself in other ways.
I practice creative visualization - or, I used to until late 2016. I'd like to get back to it again. But for nearly a year-and-a-half, I've found myself deliberately looking up things which discourage me from realizing my goals. Things that upset me. Things that leave me feeling hurt and hopeless. Things that can even make me cry. I know I am doing this because there is a real self-destructive side to my shadow self. I know I am doing this because I lack self-love and self-confidence. I also lack faith.
In the dreams I referred to above, I'd be eating candy - lots of candy. I would find myself feeling mortified and then trying to hide the wrappers from a guide once they would appear - or stunning other dream figures when I'd confide as to what I'd been eating (with me being a health 'foodie' and all).
Sometimes, after looking up the 'sensory junk food,' I fall ill with a bad headache. Sometimes, I'll even throw up. If that doesn't communicate the adverse effect this 'addiction' is having on my being on multiple levels, I don't know what does.
Of course, I need to stop. I'll quit and feel so much better amid the respite, only to give in again. I think I might have even given myself PTSD in the process. So then, if I get some kind of 'trigger' - I'll sometimes break the respite by going and looking up things up out of impatience, doubt and fear. Such things include websites and their pages on more serious health matters, discouraging information on 'making it' as a writer, etc., etc.
I have been told - repeatedly - via dreams, guides and facets of my extrasensory abilities to stop. But I seem to be failing miserably at doing so. I just cannot seem to get myself off this most destructive, non-nurturing cycle.
Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.
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You know with addictions or self destructive cycles, I have learned that small steps help greatly, little breaks from those bigger areas of life where we feel stuck, can really be a great start. Small steps leading to bigger ones and your own readiness in how much you can handle, how much you can move beyond that point you recognise you don't want anymore..
I remember a few years ago, my awareness kept taking me to deeper darker suffering in the world. I was ready. I was fully open to receive and feel deeper the nature of my own containment. So everyday without fail, (not always through conscious choice) I found myself immersed in all this deep and dark suffering. In the end I started to notice how hard it was for me to feel the pain I felt in these aspects of life, but somewhere deep inside me I knew I wanted to overcome this difficulty to feel pain at such horrendous and life isolating movements in myself. So I walked it through for just over four months and I found myself opening deeper in feeling, to pain and suffering in myself at a deeper and greater degree represented in so many external tragic events.
Many thought I was mad to expose myself in this way. But it wasn't me, it was my process calling to me what I needed and what I didn't shy away from. You know those times where it comes in at you in all directions. So it was timing and readiness on my part that I said I was ready for this.
I didn't seek it, it sought me.
I knew that to live fully and be open to life I had to stop being afraid of my own greater containment in the world through the worlds suffering. It was big but it eventually freed me from something that I knew if I didn't face my way, would keep on haunting me and containing my life and living fully.
I now can feel pretty much everything without containment, due to this final leap in myself to let go and know I could feel anything I feel and be ok, feel safe and not afraid of my life and myself.
It turned out to be one of the most freeing times of my process to open and clear the channels of my feeling mode.
When I read through your post, the first thing that comes to mind is self sabotage. That could well be something to explore.
Also too, it feels like part of you is seeking to heal a deeper issue of your shadow and the conflict your having is that you feel its bad.
The other issue is I wonder if perhaps in "not being fully" recovered this is the remnants your seeking in this way to face your deeper shadow aspects. Even as you know its not healthy and self destructive to you, on some level you know it fits you in some way of what you holding within yourself to let go of and heal.
You know the bad aspects of ourselves are often not our bad. Often its the worlds bad that inflicts in us as bad. When it is deeper bad, it can be quite difficult to overcome as my shared process might suggest.
Highly sensitive people are often prone to a very debilitating sensory overload of pain and suffering from the world. So the freedom you can find to overcome this is possible, I am living proof. This allows all your sensory connections in your body for you to be freed for you. I remember going through some very deep physical purging points in myself. Where pain and fear literally made me feel sick to my stomach. The containment of some aspects of our fears and shadow can be inflicted that deep in everyway of our bodies..
Support is a wonderful thing in others who understand. So sometimes directing yourself away from one habit into a healthier alternative can bring about some better results but help clear out the whole issue all the same.