[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by SierraNevadaStar

That's what I've taken to calling it due to a few dreams I've had over the past year.

I fell into a dark time in the late fall/early winter of 2016 and I don't think I've fully recovered from it yet, but am trying to.

However, hindering me in the process of a full recovery and to better continue onward along my spiritual path - is an 'addiction' to what I call 'sensory' junk food. I don't mean 'junk food' as to the food I consume as I eat a wholesome vegan diet. I more mean what I take in to myself in other ways.

I practice creative visualization - or, I used to until late 2016. I'd like to get back to it again. But for nearly a year-and-a-half, I've found myself deliberately looking up things which discourage me from realizing my goals. Things that upset me. Things that leave me feeling hurt and hopeless. Things that can even make me cry. I know I am doing this because there is a real self-destructive side to my shadow self. I know I am doing this because I lack self-love and self-confidence. I also lack faith.

In the dreams I referred to above, I'd be eating candy - lots of candy. I would find myself feeling mortified and then trying to hide the wrappers from a guide once they would appear - or stunning other dream figures when I'd confide as to what I'd been eating (with me being a health 'foodie' and all).

Sometimes, after looking up the 'sensory junk food,' I fall ill with a bad headache. Sometimes, I'll even throw up. If that doesn't communicate the adverse effect this 'addiction' is having on my being on multiple levels, I don't know what does.

Of course, I need to stop. I'll quit and feel so much better amid the respite, only to give in again. I think I might have even given myself PTSD in the process. So then, if I get some kind of 'trigger' - I'll sometimes break the respite by going and looking up things up out of impatience, doubt and fear. Such things include websites and their pages on more serious health matters, discouraging information on 'making it' as a writer, etc., etc.

I have been told - repeatedly - via dreams, guides and facets of my extrasensory abilities to stop. But I seem to be failing miserably at doing so. I just cannot seem to get myself off this most destructive, non-nurturing cycle.

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.

there is more than a little truth in the story of a parent who kept his child from smoking, by making him smoke so much he got sick.