I, too, lost my mother at 20 years old. I am 23 now and it's been rough at times-her being gone although she lives on and is with me daily in other, non physical, ways.
I remember being a young child and laying in bed, before going to sleep, thinking to myself- what if Mom ever died? How would I live with that grief? How could I deal with her being gone? This was BEFORE she turned heavily to drugs and alcohol.
When she started her use of cocaine daily I would scream at her, ''No, Mom. Please stop! You're going to die! You're killing yourself!'' and in my heart I knew she was. Funny I only said it to her, and not my father. My father too was an avid drug user but I never worried about him using drugs or dying. Shortly after my mom died he stopped using and hasn't used in 3 years.
A few months before my mom passed I had ''strange'' feelings come over me, a sadness. Then panic and fear. I would cry to my fiance, ''she's going to die. My mom is going to die.''
3 months later, around Christmas time, she was admitted to the hospital. She had cirrosis of the liver and caught the pneumonia. She didn't make it. I knew she was going to pass before she did, so when she went I wasn't surprised. Overwhelmed with grief, sadness and missed her very much--but not surprised.
I know though she chose to go when she did. I know she's living on, and she gives me a sign every time I ask for one.