Thanks everyone! You've said some beautiful and kind things and I appreciate that.
It's been two-and-a-half weeks since my last post and I still don't know if it's true. I have talked to a few mutuals and they say it likely isn't and that his 'partner' (I am using the term loosely as I don't exactly know 'what' she is) is just acting in her usual lying way (she's made similar claims before and then some). I have never seen ANYONE spread lies as she does. What's more - she seems to steal ideas and even aspects of myself as well as aspects of him. Sometimes, I wonder if she is even what they call a 'false twin' (if those exist). I do know one thing: she is a psychic vampire (and I know those
do exist!).
My twin has seemingly aged 10 years in the past three (since he met her), looks terribly tired, gaunt and tense a lot of the time. The once beautiful gleam in his eyes is just not there anymore and his smile is also subdued. His career is not what it was. He seems apathetic and depressed. I know he drinks and, again, drug use (more than pot) is a high possibility. He just seems 'different.'
He and I have never been 'together-together' (as in able to have an ongoing physical union). Now
I am actually married, but have been separated for quite a while.
My twin just moved countries. This further makes me question his relationship with this person since she is newly well-settled in a house of her own back in the original country (though he still has work commitments there). I am not communicating with him these days (not in this dimension anyway, but there is a frequent - and often lovely- rapport between us beyond it), but am hoping he is taking some space away from her and all the problems she has caused in his life. He sounds pleased with his new surroundings and mentioned how he loves all the sun and light there to a mutual friend of ours. He's always been a very shining, dynamic person who loves warmth so I'm not surprised he's chosen the place he has. He's been with a very dark person and in a bad place for a long time now. Frankly, I don't think he's out of it and away from her just yet (this woman is a leech who just won't let go!). I really don't know what is going to happen and am trying to deal with, and accept, a lot of uncertainty (this is something I struggle with and am learning to master). I wish to surrender
completely and on some days it feels like I am on the threshold of doing so - while on others, not so much.
Also, no, I don't love myself enough and I am striving to day-by-day. I think I am getting there. It's a slow-going process. On some days, it's a steep, uphill battle which results in tears. Still, I know it will be worth it in the end.
I know our connection 'in here' (*points to heart center*)
is what
really matters. I'd love it if we could stay unified in this realm, but I wouldn't trade what we have beyond it for a lesser, more karmic physical union - ever.
We've both been through a lot in our lives and we have been through some unbelievably rough times. I know all that has happened to further our growth, but I know it has also happened because we both harbor some truly self-destructive qualities.
I know, 100%, he is my twin. It's a lovely, tranquil, breathtaking 'knowing and it never hasn't been. The journals I keep/have kept retain the full story (which goes all the way back to my childhood when I caught glimpses of his identity before he showed up in my life during my mid-30s).
I've decided to try to keep a distance from what is going on in his life in the 'here-and-now' because there is just no clarity to be achieved this way. Furthermore, I feel our connection suffers as a result of it. I feel
I suffer as a result of it and so then, he surely does too. I'm seeing it as a 'retreat in my/his/our best interest.' I don't talk to our mutual friends often and I won't be for some time. When/if I do and find out he has married her, then - well, it is as everyone here said above this post: he has to go through that to grow. He's been a bachelor his whole life and I would be pleased for him if he settled down with a truly
good human being. It would still hurt, yes, but at least she would be kind and not a narcissist out to use him for her own gain. I've worried about him for years because of this, because of her, and I know others have to. I just want him to be...free, in good health, at peace and happy...
It's a truly amazing and beautiful story he and I have. I feel very fortunate in that respect, irregardless of what is to come and what isnt. I love him in a way that I could only express through the length of a novel I penned. I'd love the 'ideal' happy ending here, but that is not surprising for a twin soul - or anyone else for that matter.
Thanks again to clueless, Inika, Aldous, gypsymystique, ssdm1, felicity, MissTetley, BlueCat, Impulsv and happyhaunts03 (
phew!) for taking the time to respond.
