[SoulSista]

I hope this isn't too long, I really need some guidance so please bear with. Context: I've been with someone for around 10 months and we've become very close. We love and care for eachother deeply, and our huge differences in the way we tick has really helped us both learn a hell of a lot about different ways of thinking and being. It's had it's challenges, very much so in the first few months as we strived to understand eachothers languages, but it's become a loving, fun, non-judgemental and mostly very healthy relationship. It has completely forced me to evaluate my "****", because unlike other boyfriends he doesn't appease my insecurities and pander to my low self esteem. He is loving but doesn't take on what isn't his and I love that about him. This has actually resulted in a semi breakdown of sorts on my end - at first i just tried to blame him for doing the whole relationship thing wrong (aka why aren't you trying to fix me and telling me how wonderful I am every 5 minutes etc) but eventually I realised actually almos every issue I've tried to project onto him stems from my own low self esteem, and things I really need to heal myself - and boy, is there a lot to heal!

Situation: Today, in a state between feeling pre-menstrually extremely volatile and generally emotionally depressed (which is where I am residing this last month or 2) I reached a dark place. Boyfriend (let's call him Raul) was at my place and all day long I'd been "off". Eventually, I broke down and started crying hysterically. I didn't know exactly why I was crying, but I really knew I wanted him there with me. Various things have been getting on top of me recently (chronic health problems, evaluating and healing longstanding self esteem and depression problems, ex problems etc). Raul kept asking if he could help but we both knew he had plans and had to leave shortly. I deteriorated and broke down a little more and eventually told him I really didn't want him to leave. He said he had to go (he was meeting a friend for a beer who he hadn't seen in a while) and I continued to express how much I didn't want him to, without ever pressuring him. I couldn't even bring myself to see him out of my front door like I usually would, I just lay on my sofa sobbing. He eventually said I've got to go now or I'll miss my train, and left. I stayed sobbing. After he left I felt like a knife had been plunged into my heart. I could barely breathe as I assimilated what had just happened, that someone I was in a relationship with had literally walked out and left me in that state. I called him shortly after as I felt very unresolved. He explained that he felt there wasn't anything he could do, and that he'd have to leave later in the night anyway due to travelling home to get his stuff for work tomorrow morning, which is all fair. So he decided to leave to see the friend and keep his plans, and if he'd stayed he would've just resented staying and having to cancel his plans for me.

On the one hand, I understand that this is probably completely fair behaviour. On the other, the idea of ever walking out on someone I loved or cared about in that state is something I simply cannot fathom. I simply wouldn't possess the capability to do so, no matter who it was. And the fact he said he'd have resented staying is what has really stuck with me. That seeing the pain I was in, hearing me calmly and respectfully express my wishes for him not to go (I didn't beg, moan or manipulate) and walking out to prioritise a beer with a not particularly close friend, was unnegotiable and would've been a chore worthy of harbouring resentment, rather than a labour of love done from a place of compassion for somebody you love in need. And this sobbing/asking him to stay thing isn't a regular occurrence on my end, this is the first time this has ever occurred.l

This has really made me question myself, and certainly him. I'm discombobulated and unsure how to feel. He has since apologised and said he felt bad leaving (but only when he realised quite how dark a place I'd ended up in afterward) and I desperately need a truly objective opinion on this behaviour. Is this completely 100% fair or should alarm bells be ringing? I know I'm the only person responsible for me, but where does "duty" in relationships begin and end on things like this? OPINIONS PLEASE ❤️