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Originally Posted by InquiringMind
I'm still very curious about something. What story is she telling herself about what happened between us, or what may still be happening? I know the story I'm telling myself: she and I meet, we feel a cosmic connection, I'm willing to confront the problems in the relationship but she is not willing to confront them so she runs away. Years later I have done a lot of work on myself but she has not and she remains unwilling to confront any of her own problems. She stubbornly refuses to do the things that would make her life better, including in areas of her life that have nothing to do with me.
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But you see, when she's alone she has no problems. They appear when she has to interact. Like I said it takes two to raise a problem.
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The thing is that the stories that we tell ourselves about what we're doing are just that - stories. They may not actually reflect our real motives at all. We may be completely unaware of our real motivations for acting as we do. Or we may deny our real motives.
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Absolutely. It isn't that people want to be dishonest - could be they do to be diplomatic - but we rarely know our deepest workings. I've not encountered anyone here who is ready to try relate a problem, an upset, a hurt, back to their most basic drives.
Just as how it's laudable but questionable why you're so in pursuit of her, holding these post mortems. Do you really know when the thing is now one-sided? Might it be better to shrug at this stage and cut your losses. Ok, we all act differently. The post above this one suggests it's worth seeing if anything can be resurrected. To me, as things stand even if you got back together do you think as a pair, as a supposed twin flame, you think it would last, the problems of the past forgotten?
So a realistic question is - does it matter?
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I can say that I ran away from a few good relationships in the past. The story I told myself was that those women had some physical imperfection or personality flaw, or there was something about them that wasn't quite. But after a long period of intense introspection, I can say that the real reason I ran away was that I did not want those women to see my flaws. I felt flawed in their presence, and I did not want them to see me for who I really was, so I ran away and blamed them. It was only years later that I can own my motivations for running.
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Many of us do - or did. Ageing a little now I've calmed down a bit but looking back, many relationships were transient. As an ex-arch-romantic I knew that "romantics" for many have only a limited time before they run dry. Some even started on the knowledge that they wouldn't last - not that anyone ran away (though I sometimes did), they just lost their impetus, became (frankly) boring or edgy. An argument was a red light to me. It indicated a battle of wills and if compromise wasn't possible it had to end. I didn't like the idea of strained emotions or unease with someone. I learned that being in love with them (in the mundane sense) and liking them were not the same thing.
So I don't think you had a problem there except in worrying about what you think are your flaws. One person's flaw is another's strength. Just be as natural as you can. Air your habits but if they clash, ponder on whether compromise is possible. If it isn't then start the goodbye proceedings.
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