[shivatar]

I'm afraid that the reason behind all these things is the childhood trauma I experienced. If it were something else I could possibly change it, like if it were caused by the last few years of drinking and drugs, maybe then I could reverse the damage somehow. But the childhood trauma I faced? From what I hear it's a death sentence. People in my position are essentially crippled for the rest of their life, subject to chronic illness and general misery.

I'm afraid my trauma has caused my brain to essentially fizzle out and die on me. The nature of my trauma is unbearable. Constant for basically my whole childhood. I learned to survive by shutting down who I really am. Now that I am grown I feel like a shadow of who I am, I'm caught in the same coping mechanisms that I used as a child and I can't get out of them no matter how much I realize I'm doing it and try to change it.

I don't feel an urge to live for myself, to choose my own life.
I can't even muster the energy to avoid future pain. I'm so resigned that I can't even act when the reaper is staring me in the face. I feel like I gave up once before and now I am condemned to always be giving up as soon as the road becomes difficult. As much as I hate to admit it, I am a quitter. When push comes to shove my resolve dissolves and I crumble.

I'm taking some probiotics now, eating relatively healthy foods (salads and fruits at least half the week, junk/regular food the rest (it used to be 99% junk lol)). I take some supplements for brain health and to get good sleep, GABA, rhidiola, ginko, 5-htp, trypotphan, valerian, etc. I have a wizard cabinent of magical herbs, including the ganja which is probably the one herb I should let go. To be honest, I got the health herbs to alleviate the ganja related brain symptoms. I smoke ganja to help me deal with the pain of the trauma.

I want to quit drugs, but there is an infinite amount of pain waiting for me once I get sober. The only way I have learned to live is by totally avoiding my mind, trauma, and identity.

I just want to have a normal life. To be able to have a good platform of emotions and physical feelings to work with. To be able to see my desires and go achieve them. To be able to receive happiness and love without automatically shutting down.

Right now I am struggling just to survive. Each day I wake up in horrible mental pain. When I go about my business I am not there, it's just a shell that has learned what needs to be done in order to see another day. I don't smile anymore, I don't feel excited either. I barely feel anger. I haven't felt stress in god knows how long. I feel almost nothing, I feel like a ghost.



Is this really just a phase of development that everybody goes through? The childhood trauma has been untreated for decades, and modern psychology basically says my brain is fried because of that. Based off what I am experiencing now, splits in consciousness, attention, memory, etc, seems to be a clear sign saying "your brain is fried buddy!".

I'm in hell right now and I feel like this is the new normal for my life. I'm learning to be a husk of a human who can survive in hell... I don't want to do that. I want to be something else but I fear I don't have the strength to withstand any more pain. If I'm a husk I can avoid the bad but I miss the good too. If I let in the good and feel the bad, I'm afraid I will truly give up next time things get bad. I'm paralyzed in a place of great pain and I don't know what to do.