[WhiteBirds]

I'm 24 years old.
It all started 6 months ago. I saw a 32-year-old boy on YouTube, and suddenly I started to feel an attraction too strong.
I felt as if he were me. His smile, his way of acting, his way of being, his look ... EVERYTHING.

All right. I think I realized that everything in my life led me to him.
I will explain.

- This guy is from a city different from mine. Throughout my life I have met online people from that city, who always invited me to go.
- He has always felt as if he did not belong to this world. I also.
- Right now I am going through a very difficult moment in my life. I also have health problems, and only when I look at him do I feel better.
- Throughout my life, I felt out of place. A very big loneliness. I was lost. And I never connected with any person, as if they were all far from me. When I see this boy, I feel good. As if he had finally arrived home.
- This guy sings rap. And here I realize that everything started much earlier than I thought. 10 years ago I listened to him, without knowing what he was.

And now here comes something very strong. Which is the reason why I write here.

As I mentioned, I met this guy on YouTube 6 months ago (I do not know anything about him in person).
This guy uploads videos every day for 8 years, recording his routine.
All right. When I saw him 6 months ago, he had a girlfriend for 12 YEARS. And not only that, they were getting married this year.
All right. I was fantasizing about him for 2 months. I felt that he was my man. And also, I watched their videos every day. Since there were no changes, I stopped seeing them.

And 2 months ago, I got the news that this guy and his girlfriend had broken their relationship.

It does not seem to me a coincidence that they were 12 years together, and they broke only 3 months after I "came into play". And more, considering that he knows absolutely nothing about me.

Please, I ask for help to understand this.